Come Fly Away

Y

2012-02-02T23:25:00.004+08:00

Why do you make me cry?
To see the tears fall from my eyes?

Why do you make me cry?
To watch the rain fall from the sky?

Why do you make me cry?
To worsen the pain inside?

Y?

2012

2012-01-01T20:54:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year 2012!

Celebrated my birthday at Pan Pacific Hotel Singapore. It was a marvellous 3 days 2 nights experience where on the eve of the new year saw me hitting Bonta in a sexy short dress with my (recently much hyped about) A & F model body-look-alike boyfriend. It was a mouth watering dinner made more memorable with the company of my best feline friend and her husband. Intellectual conversations were the dinner highlights.

The four of us ushered in the New Year in a traffic jam but we still managed to have a full view of the fireworks display which were awesome.

Thank you Baby Chee for the hotel stay and the Bonta dinner. What a way to end 2011!

A Special Day

2011-11-30T14:17:00.005+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
BABY CHEE !!!

When you are in love

2011-07-21T16:31:00.002+08:00

When you are in love,

it is like a walk in the park
there is nothing that can't be solved
amazing things happen
sparks fly
hugs and kisses are never enough
two hearts beat as one.

It is only a number game

2011-06-14T17:14:00.005+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I should be honest in my blog. I mean, not that I have never been but there are somethings that maybe others prefer to be discreet about.
Today, I feel that age just caught up with me. I remembered I drew up a plan in my head during my younger years; to marry at the age of 26; have kids by 30 and have a good career going for me. It was a good dream coming to think about it now. I am 29, ok almost, not doing something I really want and also not married, let alone have kids. I wonder how long this phase will last.
I know I am ambitious. Somewhere within me is still aggressive, still yearning to do more with my life, aspiring to earn lots and be debt free.
I would say the biggest regret was to enter into a corporate board a little too early and not given the opportunity to ggrow, bogged down by processes and bureucracy, stiffling my creativity. Now I am nowhere. No experience well enoguh to render me a higher position, no company willing to give me the opportunity. Maybe the regret should not be the first job but the wrong course of study during uni days.
so now what? Start all over since after all, they always say the sky's the limit and age is only a number? Easy to say when you don't've plans to settle down, have kids or worry about your finances in the long run.

All of it gives me stress. Day by day, year by year. Sigh..

I Know What Love Is

2011-05-16T14:32:00.007+08:00

"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection" ~ Teachings of Buddha

I know what love is when I find someone I cannot live without.
I know what love is when we are apart, our hearts still beat as one.
I know what love is when we forgive our mistakes and move on.
I know what love is when you look at me.
I know what love is when you hold my hand.
I know what love is when you kiss me.
I know what love is when you comfort me.
I know what love is when you shelter me from harm.
I know what love is when I recollect how we first met.
I know what love is when you tell me that I am the best thing that has happened in your life.
I know what love is when I am with you.

This is love.

I Love You.

Fear

2011-05-10T23:56:00.002+08:00

As I go to bed with a heavy heart and with tears in my eyes, all I can think about is the fear within. The fear of losing, the fear of ending up where I started, the fear of just living in my past and never moving on, the fear of not being able to stay sustainable in life, the fear of saying the wrong things, fear that I am simply not good enough.

sometimes, when fear consumes you, you are left helpless and not know what to do. You want to tell someone about how you feel but it is difficult to spill the beans. I am choosing the best way I know how - blog. Blog about an emotion that can spin out of control when the mind is weak.

I might be losing my focus in life suddenly. It is this sense of lost in direction that makes me wonder which path to take next? Will choosing the wrong one bring me times of darkness and change I may not be able to accept?

I am so unsure right now. I don't know where to go from here.

Reality Bites

2011-05-10T15:14:00.003+08:00

Life goes on after PAP forms the government once again.

Will things be different 5 years from now?

Of course! No question about it. What will be different?

1) Increase in food prices
2) Increase in GST
3) Increase in ERP gantries and rates
4) Increase in transport fares such as bus fares, train fares
5) Increase in housing prices

How much money do I need to

1) hold my wedding?
2) start a family?
3) have kids?
4) qualify for a HDB flat?
5) buy furniture, TV consoles, TV, air-con?
6) renovate my room?

Will money be ever enough to pay for all of these? Do I need to work to my grave?

Suddenly, burning questions turn into stress and stress turns into tears because I ask myself - is money all there is to life?

My stand - money does not buy happiness, at least not mine.

I am feeling appreciative

2011-05-03T22:47:00.003+08:00

I doubt we will never understand how our mothers brought us up; or maybe I just don't.

I have never seen eye to eye with how she views the world; I have never seen eye to eye with her definition of handsome men; I have also never seen eye to eye with how much emphasis she placed on education.

I have never seen eye to eye with her. Period.

Yet she is still my mum. Someone who gave up much, sacrificed much of her life to have my sister and me. I believe I was the more mischievous one who needed more attention, more patience, more scoldings and caning. I loved playing truant. I never learnt from my mistakes. I just found new ways to repeat them. I did that because I never felt the reasons satisfactory to stop making those mistakes. She tried so hard to shelter me from "evil". I tried so hard to expose myself to it. I lived with one motto then, young and eager to please peer pressure - if I don't learn the hard way, I will never learn at all. How smart was that? I'd say VERY. Because I know that all the rules I went against, all the consequences I was met with, the experiences were well learnt, well lived.

There were more times I disappointed my mum than made her proud. Everything she advocates as good, I treat as bad and does it all reverse. A devil indeed. I hated her ways of snatching away my childhood by brutally and literally burying my head in assessment papers, 10-yr series and more 10-yr series. Imagine there was a 20-yr series.

And then there were the "no boyfriends till you finish studying" naggings. OH BOY! I thought it was easy to wait till I was what? 21!! When I officially become and adult, when I have my "freedom". You kidding or what? ME??!! 21 years old then have boyfriend?!!! PFFfftttt! Obviously, I had to experience what "love" was. So happily, I found my first puppy love at 16, and went on to have more boyfriends till I started to ask "What does love actually mean?" and somehow many things my mum advised me years ago resurfaced from my sub-sub-subconscious. I started to take things from her perspective. I understood that she came from a different time, a different era. All she was doing was just imparting conservative traditional Chinese values to me. All she was doing was to show me what is considered "correct" and "good" from her point of view. All she wanted for me was the best - in her own way.

Today, I see alot of me in her. One thing for sure - cleanliness. Hygiene - oh well, I am trying. HA!

At almost 30, I wonder how my future kids will be like - ME??! Goodness gracious! How much energy I would need to tame them. I have a wish. I hope my parents will be around to see them grow up. Yes, I used the word "them" which also means "more than one".

Growing up, I spent more time with mum. When I have grown up, I spent more time with dad. Both playing huge roles in my life.

I know I will never be like you, mum and dad. I didn't grow up in an environment where these 3-words were spoken freely. But here, right now, I have to say I LOVE YOU. Thanks for being there through good and bad times.

May Day Weekend

2011-05-02T16:43:00.003+08:00

It has been a long weekend indeed. One week was Good Friday and then it was the Labour Day Weekend. How wonderful. I wish the holiday wouldn't end so soon.

Work has been tiring. A good break was all I needed to regain my energy.

And then there's off in lieu for Polling Day. All that hype on the candidates. I am more interested in my 25-27May short getaway with Baby Chee.

For now, I will be patient for another 2 weeks before we start packing our bags and off to sun, sand and private pool. HAHAH.

Tilllll-Dii-Doooooooo!!

p.s. I am in need of that infamous chocolate shake Baby Chee makes.... *slurps*

Double Whelmy

2011-03-25T00:13:00.002+08:00

Twice in a day.
It's tough.
I don't know what to think. How to think.
It is like I can't take a breather.
Everything requires my attention. Everything requires my time.
I can't take it. I cried.
I tried to take things with a level head.
I wished there was more time. I wished I had all the money in the world. It could solve so many things.
I am so tired..i need to find peace within.
The path to happiness..suddenly...it is no more...

Will You Leave When I Need You Most

2011-03-23T16:04:00.002+08:00

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most
What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone
And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side

I would never leave when she needs me most
What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone
Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most
I'm forever keeping my angel close

Bow Wow Wow

2011-03-16T21:48:00.001+08:00

Hello Charcoal Boy!

Thanks for being there when I needed you!

WOOF WOOF!

Crazy Love Twirl

2011-03-11T13:44:00.001+08:00

I love the way you touch me, and the warmth of your hands.
I enjoy it when you wrap your arms around me, like how the waves hug the sand.
I know you will be there for me, even when the sun stops shining and darkness clouds the land.
I picture our future together, every now and then.
I need you always, till the very end.

I dedicate the above to you baby, even when nothing makes sense. = P

I am feeling too good

2011-03-10T10:47:00.003+08:00

Michael Buble Crazy Love Tour
Singapore Indoor Stadium
9 March 2011, 8 pm

Baby and I totally dig it; singing along to our favourite tunes and dancing to the up tempo rhythms.

Michael Bublé has such tremendous stage presence and audience appeal it can just melt any woman's heart. He is indeed a charmer and a crooner.

Thank you Baby Chee for this wonderful birthday present. It was worth every cent.

What makes your biological clock tick?

2011-02-17T21:03:00.005+08:00

Sometimes when you see grandparents and their grandchildren on the train, does it make you feel that you'd want kids?perhaps it depends what you are feeling then or the situation you are in.

would age have a strong play in this? What do single middle aged women feel about being unmarried? Though many would say thaat they won't need to have kids to be happy, is that usually true? I mean, is there one moment in their lives, yes, one moment, where they feel the urge to bear children?is there a sign that your body somehow knows it's at its prime to mate? To carry on the bloodline?

What happens when you hear wailing kids?does it wash away all thoughts about even having kids?mothers always say there's a different joy children bring. It's also a different phase in life this thing called motherhood. How old is too old to have kids? Is it easier rearing animals than kids?

I do not know what makes my biological clock tick. What I do know is with kids come a life long commitment. I can't imagine the sacrifices. Bt i'm willing to try...in time..

A Mucous Laden Brain

2011-02-17T17:54:00.000+08:00

I don't know why.

But I just want to lie down and cry.

Love is Strength

2011-02-14T14:52:00.005+08:00

I am pleased to share that I have now progressed in my strength training components. Soon, I might just be posting a video on facebook to showcase it.

13 February 2011

Deadlifts

3 sets of 3 reps

18.75kg + 18.75kg + 20kg (OB)

Squats

3 sets of 3 reps

11.25kg + 11.25kg + 20kg (OB)

Actually, my objective is to do a pull up. I attempted a pull up with the assistance of Baby Chee. Slowly but surely, I should be able to do 1 unassisted pull up in 3 months time i.e. somewhere in May 2011. So watch out for that blog shout out!! : ))

Also, I impressed myself with 2 unassisted triceps dips. Although they were not "full" dips, you should've seen the widest smile on Baby Chee's face. Yes Yes, I know you are proud.. hee hee hee..

14 February 2011

My whole body is aching, especially the arms. I love the feeling and the way my body is shaping up.

Thank You Baby Chee. I am truly loving my workout regime. Look forward to more trainings with you!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy

2011-02-10T12:19:00.004+08:00

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't you take chances
Might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly
Just can't let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear, ohh
But all these days, they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me out of here
I can't stand by your side, ohh no
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh

So any turns that I can't see,
like I'm a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me

I just wanna be happy
Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy
I just wanna be, ohh
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, happy

Playmate Bunny loves you

2011-02-08T09:59:00.007+08:00

Playmate Bunny

Loves Youuuuuu!!

Have a wonderful year ahead with me!

Gym progress

2011-01-31T19:36:00.002+08:00

All my entries have been so depressing and I bet you have to agree.

My improvement in my weight training has been very motivating. So let's see how I have progressed so far for my strength components. I mean at least it is more lighthearted compared to older entries.

On 30 January 2011,

Deadlifts

5 sets of 3 reps

15kg + 15kg + 20kg (OBW)

OBW: Olympic Bar weight

Squats

3 sets of 3 reps

10kg + 10kg + 20kg (OBW)

You can see the major improvement comparing to my previous post a week or 2 ago. All thanks to the arduous training I went through with Baby Chee as my fervent coach. Boy was he impressed with my improvement.

The attempted 10kg for squats was slightly too ambitious but at least I know where I stand.

I will be working out for the last time tomorrow, 1 February, before CNY. My regime will be as follows:

Deadlifts

5 sets of 4 reps

12.5kg + 12.5kg + 21kg (OBW)

Note: OBW has a different weight from the above because i am working out at a different gym

Squats

5 sets of 4 reps

8.25kg + 8.25kg + 21kg (OBW)

Circuits

5 sets of 5 reps for all 3 exercises:

1) Underhand Rows (using OBW)
2.5kg + 2.5kg + OBW

30 seconds rest

2) Bulgarian Front Split Squats
with 5kg dumb bell

30 seconds rest

3) Inclined a notch narrow chested bench press
with 5 kg dumb bells

30 seconds rest

Assisted pull up
Do as much as possible at 30kg assisted weights. DO NOT do to failure

Inclined Pull Ups a.k.a Inverted Rows
3 sets of ladders 5,4,3,2,1 with 15 seconds rest in between i.e.

5 reps, 15 seconds rest
4 reps, 15 seconds rest

so on and so forth

Push Ups (safety pin at 3rd hole from bottom of squat rack)
3 sets of ladders 5,4,3,2,1 with 15 seconds rest in between like above

Finisher
I enjoy my farmer's walk.
3 sets of 14kg dumb bells, 10 burpees

-DONE-

Special note to Baby Chee: Please correct the above regime should you spot any mistake.

After 1 February, get ready to indulge in BA KWA!!!!!!! heh heh heh

feeling this way

2011-01-29T00:20:00.002+08:00

I try to hide from your anger and temper.
I don't know when you'll blow up at me,
like the roaring winds and thunder,
I live in constant fear.
Please dry my tears, I beg of you, my dear.

Bad Day

2011-01-12T19:38:00.003+08:00

I don't know what came over me today. It just ain't a good day though it was a good hair day. I mean not that I didn't have enough rest. Perhaps it was accumulated sleep debt.
Perhaps everything was all bottled up.
Perhaps my job is getting boring.
Perhaps I am just tired but I do not know it.
Perhaps I am just getting old.

Oh I don't know.

*Scowl*

Grenade

2011-01-11T21:07:00.001+08:00

Easy come, easy go, that's just how you live
Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give
Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open, why were they open?
Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is
I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my head on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya
I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same
No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb
Tell the devil I said, hey, when you get back to where you're from
Mad women, bad women, that's just what you are, yeah
You'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car
Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
'Cause what you don't understand is
I'd catch a grenade for ya

Throw my head on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya
I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for ya, baby
But you won't do the same
If my body was on fire
Ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me, you're a liar
'Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby
But darling, I'd still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my head on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya
I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won't do the same
No, you won't do the same
You wouldn't do the same
Ooh, you never do the same
No, no, no, no

My heart

2011-01-07T15:21:00.001+08:00

Suddenly, it all stopped.

I just died.

Workout Regime

2011-01-06T14:39:00.004+08:00

I guess since I always forget the weights I use for my work out and also the definitions of certain exercise types, I will use my blog to help me remember and then improve my strength along the way.

Tonight at the gym, I am going to do upper body and lower body alternate exercises using an Olympic bar.

Inclined Pull

"Ladder"

5 reps
Rest 30 seconds

4 reps
Rest 30 seconds

3 reps
Rest 30 seconds

2 reps
Rest 30 seconds

1 rep
Rest 30 seconds

Repeat the above for another set if up to it.

Female push ups

4 reps
Rest 30 seconds

3 reps
Rest 30 seconds

2 reps
Rest 30 seconds

1 rep
Rest 30 seconds

Continue with another set

Circuit Training Exercises
A circuit workout combines cardio and strength training if you are short on time. An exercise is completed one after another with little or no rest in between.

5 sets of 5 reps each

1) Full Squats - 1.25kg each side
Rest 30 seconds

2) Shoulder Press - without weights (i might just use a bar bell of 10kg if the Olympic bar proves too heavy for me)
Rest 30 seconds

3) Deads - 5kg each side
Rest 30 seconds

4) Bend over rows - 3.75kg each side
Rest 30 seconds

Finisher

Holding a light weight 1/2kg dumb bells in each hand, do as many burpees within 20 seconds
Rest 10 seconds

Continue above 4 times

WORKOUT COMPLETE

Courtesy of Baby Chee
Thanks for staying up so late for the past 2 nights to drill the concepts into my head

30 December

2010-12-30T00:15:00.003+08:00

As tears flow, I realised that it is already past midnight. It is 30 December 2010. It is my birthday.

Happy Birthday to Me.

Am I so difficult to understand?

2010-12-28T17:46:00.001+08:00

I am bleeding inside.

Everything seems to be eating me alive.

Sigh...what is wrong?

Trouble Bubble Burst

2010-12-21T14:39:00.002+08:00

I am non confrontational. And though misunderstandings arose while holidaying in Perth, I prefer to leave it in Perth. I do not want to pursue them. I left them at bay. Or so I thought.

Yet these misunderstandings found a way of following me back home. And as if it was not enough, snug within them were a bag of lies. Lies and more.

So what if it's family? Lies are lies and accusations are accusations. It sours relationships and burns bridges. I wish we weren't there to be part of it. My long awaited holiday did not need such trauma and pain.

I too don't need harsh words. I don't need more lies. I don't need name calling. I find it all childish and mindless and a total waste of time. MY TIME. I don't see a need to pursue further because it is endless. It is CRAP. So go get a life and get the hell out of mine. I don't need anymore trouble.

Down Under and Back

2010-12-17T15:51:00.003+08:00

It was a fantastic trip with Baby Chee down under. Aunty Grace and Uncle Chow were great hosts sharing with us many stories and preparing dinner almost every night. Grocery shopping is of course one of the highlights of this 9-day trip other than the most important reason we were there for - Delise's wedding.

We had a few days of "holidaying" before the actual wedding preparation. We visited Harbourtown and shopped abit. Girls' stuff are always on better sale than guys. I got myself a corset, a pair of jeans, round tee neck shirts, high waist belt and also a new bikini, all at relatively cheap prices like less than AUS$20. Just one day of shopping and the rest, grocery browsing where we bought heaps of kangaroo meat + frozen wild berries. Unbelievably cheap! Singapore should really import them. Good for health, high in fibre, low in cholesterol and low in fat.

Building up to the wedding was no doubt stressful but all worthwhile. I am definitely honoured to be the maid of honour. Being there on my cousin's wedding day was a touching affair. I am glad to have been part of it.

See you again Perth. And I love you Hippo Creek!

Down Under

2010-12-04T15:45:00.003+08:00

No. I am not down under the weather.

I am going down under!!!!

And that is in 2 days time mind you. I cannot wait for this long awaited trip.

It will be for a holiday and to attend my cousin's wedding.

Stay tuned for more photos on facebook!

Kangaroo meat, lamb rack, beef steaks here I come!!!!

MOoooooooo...Mehh........

BOooooooiinnNNNNNNGgggggggg!!!

So what now? Another Day?

2010-10-25T18:33:00.002+08:00

Recently, I have been gorging myself crazy when I am stressed at work or when my relationship goes awry. Most of the time, the latter. I cannot find a better way than to eat and work late at the same time.

I believe it's when I prefer to solve things after the storm is over but my other half wants to settle it there and then. I am someone whose temper subsides almost as quickly as it erupts. Sounds like a good trait if the other party has the same personality. More often than not, by the time I cooled off, my other half's pressure starts to boil. I feel that it's so crappy and shitty. Then everything drags.

I feel that there are pros and cons settling problems on the spot Likewise, there are pros and cons running away from the problem at hand. Many will feel otherwise but if I am not someone who is rational enough when emotional, I doubt it is a good time to do any form of settlement when an argument arises. In fact, it just makes matters worse.

I am so clueless when my partner is such an opposite when it comes to matters like these. Because of our differences, things haven't been easy when we fail to see eye to eye. I get distracted, I cannot concentrate on my work, I keep asking myself why. What am I not seeing? What am I missing? I know we shouldn't let problems accumulate. People say it's best to trash things out. I say it is best to trash things out face to face but how often does life allow that? If things happen at work, can we? If things happen in public, can we? (yes we can if we don't mind everyone else to be staring at us) If things happen at home with family members around, should we? Notice the word used is "should".

I just need to air this out because I have been feeling so outta sorts the whole day at work. It has been such an unproductive day. There's so much left undone. There's so much that needs my attention. So much that cannot be left for another day.

Dear Aunt Agony

2010-09-14T15:57:00.002+08:00

I am always making mistakes.
I can never get things right.
The more careful I am, the harder I try, the more mistakes I make.
I get stressed and then flustered and then all I can think of is giving up.
Could it be I never try hard enough?

URGH! I hate myself.

2 months and 3 days later

2010-08-27T11:02:00.002+08:00

It was a period to find myself and what I wanted.

I have been job hopping since I completed my second degree in hospitality. I went after that dream, that passion only to realise that the meager pay, irregular working hours ain't for a person like me. Yes I must admit that I love interacting with people and meeting their expectations makes me happy but that is not everything in a job. Eventually I asked myself at this age, where do I see myself in the next 10 years time? Seems like a long time but I assure you that time passes very fast when we count the weeks and months that go by. 4 weeks becomes 8 and then 12 months. Do we remember in detail what we have done just a week ago? It could just be the routines that we recollect.

I must say I was in urgent need of finding a job and earning my keep. I never stopped sending my resumes and burying my head in Saturday's classifieds. There were moments in between where I broke down wondering when I will find something that meets my expectations. Fortunately, I have Baby Chee with me, encouraging me every step of the way, telling me not to rush, not to despair. I have friends who say it is better to spend a little more time finding a job that I will stay in rather than just taking any that comes just because I need one to support my finances. Thanks to all of you, I am still sane.

I took the 2 jobless months to get back on my workout regime, family bonding (I'd dinner home every day to save $$), doggie walks, books (one of which is The Art of Racing in the Rain) and heaps of online video streaming.

And with enough time to rest, I am down with a sore throat. GREEEEEeeeaaaAAAT!

All About Loving You

2010-08-19T01:30:00.002+08:00

You know who you are.

: )))

Double Degree..but so what?

2010-07-22T20:13:00.004+08:00

30 years ago, attaining a degree is a big thing.

Today, attaining a double degree is not a big thing either. In fact, it is easy to find someone on the streets with an honours degree or even, a masters.

How is the job market like right now? Will it be easier to find a job with a double degree, an honours degree or a masters? Will qualification get you the job you want? Will experience get you the job you want? I believe many will go with "it depends".

For me, I say experience is key. If you have the necessary network, even better! All you need is pull some strings and you are right on track. But how many people are that privileged? Perhaps I should say how many will be principled enough to not use pulling strings to land the job they want? Is it silly when the opportunity is placed right in front of your eyes only to have you turn it away because it was there unethically?

Looking for a job I want and yet does not shortchange me financially comes few and far. Sometimes after finding it, being interviewed for it, there is no offer; not even a second interview. It has only been a month. Many my age might use this time to take a break, regain their career footing. Celebrating my 1 month anniversary being jobless is excitingly stressful. Every night I wonder if the next day will be hopeful or hopeless. When I keep thinking how sad my bank account is right now, I get even more uptight. When I know I have to rely on my loved ones to "survive", I feel at my all time low. I soon start to panic mentally and my chest tightens, a phelgm-like wheezing reaction occurs and I will keep coughing to clear my lungs. It helps to ease the situation but only temporarily. I would like to think it is caused by the erratically changing weather conditions but I never had such symptoms before. Could my already poor immune system be getting weaker as the days go by? I wish I knew what is wrong.

Finding a job isn't difficult. It is finding one I want that is! I will be more positive because I know it isn't impossible.

When negative emotions get the better of you, just take a few steps back, a few more deep breaths, take control and move on.

Vacuumed

2010-07-16T00:58:00.002+08:00

I sit blurry-eyed and stared blankly at the computer screen as I type this. I could feel the pair of scissors finding its way into my heart; its continual stabbing until the life is sucked out of me. Why should there be fear? Why can't I open up? I live in my own world. I wonder how long your patience will last trying to explain over and over again to someone who seems oblivious to consequences and what is going on around her. I feel every blow with each sentence though the aim wasn't personal; it was simply just to make me see, see from another angle.

The more I see the things happening, the more I feel so small and brainless. I only can conclude it's plain stupidity. My mum is oh so right this time.

Blaming Me

2010-07-12T21:30:00.002+08:00

Self Blame

I read a self hypnosis website that it is not healthy to keep blaming yourself when things go wrong. They said that people who tend to self blame have usually been blamed unfairly when they were growing up. These people also will not take credit or accept compliments readily when things go well. Too much of self blame is cause for depression. Too much of not accepting responsibility also carry its own problems. It is easy to say that we must maintain balance and not go too extreme.

Suicide

It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Thereafter there is no turning back. It takes great courage to kill yourself. It also takes great courage to acknowledge that you are depressed and have suicidal thoughts. It will be good to talk to someone professionally trained because he/she will not ask you to "snap out of it" but listen to your thoughts and listen to your feelings. Sometimes we just need someone to listen. We do not need solutions. We just need to pour our feelings.

After reading the symptoms of several other mood related experiences, I believe I fall into the Bipolar Depression category. Having mixed states - hyperactivity at some point or hopeless and very sad at some point. Apparently it is a life long and recurrent illness. I have constantly wondered if I will be better after taking anti-depressants. I am glad to always have the support of loved ones.

My baby always has solutions when I feel down. He says he is always there for me, protecting me, my body and soul. I sometimes feel he overreacts, over-worry, over-protects. Sadly, when things go awry, I will be the first to run away. And then like a dog when cornered, bite back. I am not him. I don't solve issues there and then. Am I unappreciative? Or am I just immature? Or maybe just a failure?

There we go again...self blame.

Another sleepless night

2010-06-19T01:37:00.005+08:00

Just a day before a happy weekend I have to feel heavy hearted. What did I do wrong again? Did you just test me? Or did I just fall into a hole I dug? You say tell you how truly how I feel; all my thoughts but it seems to me that I must really think before I speak and it is so tedious. It is so tedious! Everything..EVERYTHING is making me paranoid; like what if I say something and you aren't happy; like what if you actually are waiting for me to call, but I didn't. It wasn't that I didn't think of calling. I did. But then I thought it wasn't necessary because it wasn't as if we had argued. It wasn't as if there was even a problem. You didn't reply my message when I asked if I needed to give the concierge any particulars. I also said thank you for the arrangement and I love you. So right away, I thought you were busy once you got home preparing your dinner, getting ready for bed and also the next day for the hotel stay. Then later all I said was is everything ok? after you took awhile to reply my sms telling you I was on the way to the train station. To cut it all short, your last sms was hurtful. It was as if I didn't care about you at all. Was not replying me a test? What is happening now? What's wrong with me? Are you not seeing the way you are treating me? I bet you think you treat me just fine; the best in fact.

I just broke down emotionally and psychologically again. Tears rolling down my cheeks. When you try to clarify or even explain your stand, it is as if bullets come out from your mouth. They shoot me down. They don't kill me. They just let the blood spill from the bullet wounds. Stop it already...please stop...

I am wounded. I don't know what to do. I can't concentrate on packing. I don't want a repeat of our last hotel stay weekend. You say we can't live on love. But what is just giving a little more love? Is it just too much to ask for?

Dear Blog, I just have to do this entry and make it so personal. I suddenly just want to tear my heart out. I see all the clothes thrown on the bed. My mind is a blank right now. Music. Music feels my ears, my heart. Something that quite describes what I am going through. Enjoy.

There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me
All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go

I know I let you down but it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go

I will be all that you want and get myself together
'Cause you keep me from falling apart
All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay

I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly
You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe 'cause you're here with me

And if I let you down, I'll turn it all around
'Cause I would never let you go

I will be all that you want and get myself together
'Cause you keep me from falling apart
And all my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay

Without you I can't breathe
I'm not gonna ever, ever let you leave
You're all I got, you're all I want, oh
'Cause without you I don't know what I'd do
I can never, ever live a day without you
Here with me, do you see you're all I need?

And I will be, all that you want and get myself together
'Cause you keep me from falling apart
And all my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay

I will be all that you want and get myself together
'Cause you keep me from falling apart
And all my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day and make everything okay

What is going on?

2010-06-17T23:50:00.003+08:00

I sit here thinking what I did wrong, again. My stomach does knots. I can literally feel the gastric juices being secreted from its glands. I am afraid to speak my thoughts. It fears me to hear replies that choke my wind pipe. My flaws, my death.

Screwing the Blues

2010-06-15T12:28:00.004+08:00

Dear Blog,

I am feeling heavy hearted today. Could it be the rain? I wore a happy coloured, tulips-patterned spaghetti dress to the meeting today to liven up my mood.

I haven't been a very sensitive person. I left you emotionally stranded. I never knew how much I've changed till I am romantically involved with you. It has been awhile since I self reflected. Perhaps I do not have time for myself because of my job. The way we perceive love is different. Our ideals are also different. Opposites attract. Is it true? Have I been too self-centred I fail to notice us. I never knew I was a lousy lover. I have constantly been asking myself if I am good enough after all that I've been through; all that I've done. I couldn't accept you though I tried. I knew I did. You are confused and I believe, question my love for you.

From you, I see my flaws. I see bad qualities that I never thought existed. Perhaps I knew they did but I secretly suppressed them and they soon became that part of my subconscious that I gladly hope will not resurface. But when you don't acknowledge their existence, they do catch up on you. It is just a matter of time. Despite all these you have made me see, you never gave up on me. You accepted all my shortcomings. You accepted me for who I am.

I can blame it on how I was brought up. Based very much on traditional Chinese values, I was torn between expressing my feelings, chasing my dreams & passion and taking a very practical view of things by accepting reality for what it is i.e. money talks. It is difficult to come to terms with this because money doesn't equate job satisfaction.

I feel like I am screwing up my own life and it nearly killed my relationship with you. I gotta really self reflect man and ponder over what you have written: How much would you give for love?

Don't Know Why

2010-06-15T01:39:00.003+08:00

I need to self-reflect.

My All

2010-05-22T03:26:00.001+08:00

I am thinking of you
In my sleepless solitude tonight
If it's wrong to love you
Then my heart just won't let me be right
Cause I've drowned in you
And I won't pull through
Without you by my side

I'd give my all, to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life
to feel Your body next to mine
Cause I can't go on Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight

Baby can you feel me
Imagining I'm looking in your eyes
I can see you clearly
Vividly emblazoned in my mind
And yet you're so far
Like a distant star
I'm wishing on tonight

I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel Your body next to mine
Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight
I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel Your body next to mine
Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight
Give my all for your love Tonight

I Don't Want to Cry

2010-04-23T15:43:00.004+08:00

Once again we sit in silence
After all is said and done
Only emptiness inside us
Baby look what we've become
We can make a million promises
But we still won't change
It isn't right to stay together
When we only bring each other pain

[Chorus]

I don't wanna cry
Don't wanna cry
Nothing in the world
Could take us back
To where we used to be
Though I've given you my heart and soul
I must find a way of letting go
'Cause baby
I don't wanna cry

Too far apart to bridge the distance
But something keeps us hanging on
Pretending not to know the difference
Denying what we had is gone
Every moment we're together
It's just breaking me down
I know we swore it was forever
But it hurts too much to stay around

[Repeat Chorus]

All the magic's gone
There's just a shadow of a memory
Something just went wrong
We can't go on make-believing
On make-believing

[Repeat Chorus]

I Hope Everything is Ok

2010-04-15T01:33:00.005+08:00

Love comes in many stages. You meet someone whom you share things in common with, fall in love along the way and have a relationship together. Or you can meet someone you often get into squabbles with yet still fall in love along the way and have an everlasting relationship. Of course, relationships don't always have happy endings. And many are taken for granted. After awhile, the butterfly feelings disappear and true colours appear. The more you get to know someone, the more you ask yourself whether you can accept both the good and bad for better or for worse. Quarrels ensue which can strain the love or make couples understand each other more.

In all the many relationships I've been through, there will come a time when I ask the question "How come 'I miss you' is rarely heard now?" To most guys, the relationship has been upgraded to another level. To some, it's time for the relationship to end because it has become stale. Is 'I miss you' so difficult to say or these 3 words are forgotten because either party is there; just a phone call away? Is being pampered so difficult to come by? Are whispering sweet nothings, chatting hours on the phone as if there were endless things to say, memories now that the relationship has so called strengthened and entered into another phase of love?

Will it be silly to say you will always miss the courtship days; where butterflies will be part of the love equation? It is also silly to force 'I miss you', 'I love you', 'I need you'. Yet it feels so sweet when you hear them. I feel that couples should constantly remind themselves that these are little things that can work the magic in a relationship. We get too comfortable with each other and think that what we are doing is enough to keep the relationship alive.

Am I the only one to feel this way? Am I not doing enough? Am I thinking too much?

I feel emotional tonight and music never leaves my side. What else can you do when you can't sleep anyway?

When you have alot on your mind...

2010-01-25T02:18:00.002+08:00

....you can't sleep.

....you think even more.

....you get frustrated.

....you become upset.

....you sometimes don't think rationally.

....you wonder if life treats you fairly.

....you wish you had more family support.

....you feel that things could have been better if there had been more communication.

I stay up listening to the radio and cannot sleep because the body is tuned to working overnight shift for the past 6 days; 11pm to 7.30am. The graveyard shift it is with only 11 of us prowling the floor in the dead of the night. So the supposed off day, Sunday, 25 January 2010, was taken up sleeping and at 9.30pm, a call was received informing us night shift people that we are to report the next day, Monday, 26 January 2010 at 2.30pm. I wonder how my body is able to switch just like that? There is no REAL day off in between to allow my bio-rythm to adjust. Such treatment. Such welfare.

And then..there is the lack of family encouragement. Mockery rules. It hurts. How could they make such comparisons? Things are different now. People change. The person ain't the same. I am more matured. I grew older. I am going through so much more now, shouldering more responsibilities.

You say I should think about the future. Don't I always? It scares me. The financial aspects, starting a family, having kids and growing old. But what my parents have said brought back the fear...

While I blog, one of my favourite songs plays on Class 95:

Stand By Me

by Shayne Ward

Nothing's impossible

Nothing's unreachable

When I am weary

You make me stronger

This love is beautiful

So unforgetable

I feel no winter cold

When we're together

[chorus]

Will you stand by me

Hold on and never let me go

Will you stand by me

With you I know I belong

When the story gets told
When day turns into night

I look into your eyes

I see my future now

All the world and its wonder
This love wont fade away

And through the hardest days

I'll never question us

You are the reason

My only reason

Will you stand by me

Hold on and never let me go

Will you stand by me

With you I know I belong

When the story gets told

I am blessed

To find what I need

In a world loosing hope

You're my only believe

You make things right

Everytime after time

Will you stand by me

Hold on and never let me go

Will you stand by me

Will I be part of your life

When the story gets told

[Repeat chorus]

Stand by me

Won't you stand....by me...

Stand by me...

No more darlin

I want you by my side

I want you here with me...

Brand New Graveyard Shi*f

2010-01-19T02:25:00.002+08:00

We clocked in at 10pm when the reporting time is 10.45pm for the 11pm graveyard shift. It's now 2.30am and since we started, we have bascially done nothing. It's pure boredom. The nearest water dispenser is at the canteen and walking through the back doors where construction is still going on and every corner is quiet and eerie, I sure ain't going anywhere near those corridors. I cannot wait for my next break at 4am which is in another hour's time.

A few of us females had an interesting encounter when using the ladies earlier. One of the toilet cubicles did not stop flushing. 2 of our male colleagues went in to check on the cubicle. The flushing stopped but once they stepped out of the toilet, that particular cubicle continued flushing. Coincidence or just some sensor issue?

And you know what the best part is? It was the cubicle I used.

5 more days....it is going to be exciting..

Another sleepless night

2010-01-03T03:28:00.002+08:00

It is once again another sleepless night. I so much wanted to rest in the day but I couldn't and when night fell, I am wide awake. My throat ain't exactly in the best condition nor is my ever recurring flu. I wonder why it's tough to sleep normally like everyone else; past midnight to the next morning. Waking up for 8.30am to 6pm office hours have been hell. Shift work treats me better. Overnight shifts - the best! It allows me to sleep 9 hours a day, something I won't have should I be doing morning shifts!! God..I should really be a vampire!

My sleepless night could be because of my superbly filling post birthday celebration, courtesy of Baby Chee at Absinthe yesterday, 2 January 2010. What a fabulous dinner it was!!! Fine french food, great wine and good service. Pictures all uploaded to facebook since nobody really reads my blog anyway. Ha!

Ok..since blogging still doesn't bring sleepy spells...photoshopping of photos is what I shall do next!!

Scoobie out!

The Graveyard Shift

2009-12-09T04:11:00.003+08:00

The whole week will be shift work from 8.30pm to 6am. Not being able to enjoy any form of social life whatsoever and having to slog with my other colleagues; with many already down with flu, cough, sore throat and fever yet taking MC ain't a good idea because there will be a pay cut and it affects work performance since we are less than 3 months into the job.

Here I am munching the shift away and awaiting 6am which is about 2 hrs more. So near yet so far..let me have my liang teh now..
Urgh! The canteen is closed and I gotta use my bottle to contain the liang teh.
Oh well...
Cannot use Facebook also...crap...

Back to class.

Zzzzzzzzzzz

2009-11-15T01:41:00.000+08:00

I CAN'T SLEEP!!! URGGH!!!

Going Crazy

2009-10-18T16:30:00.003+08:00

Suddenly everything seems to collapse around me again. The flashbacks get stronger, the emotions pinch my already bleeding heart. What's wrong I ask myself and cannot find an answer. Little things irritate me. Urgh!! Too much negativity in me. Terrible Terrible!

Just heard a song on the radio..and thought just randomly paste the lyrics here.

Westlife - If I Let You Go

Day after day

Time passed away

And I just can't get you out of my mind

Nobody knows, I hide it inside

I keep on searching

but I just can't find

The courage to show to let you know

I've never felt love like this before

And once again

I'm thinking about

Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know

What my life would be holding you close to me

Will I ever see

you smiling back at me ?

How will I know

if I let you go ?

Night after night I hear myself say

Why don't this feeling just fade away

There's no one like you (no one like you)

You speak to my heart (speak to my heart)

It's such a a shame we're worlds apart

I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose

But sooner or later I gotta choose

And once again I'm thinking about

Taking the easy way out

If I let you go

I will never know

What my life would be,

holding you close to me

Will I ever see you smiling back at me?

(oh yeah)

How will I know if I let you go ?

If I let you go ooooh baby

Ooooooooohhhhh

Once again

I'm thinking about

Taking the easy way out

If I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be,
holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know if I let you go ?

After a long while

2009-10-10T18:59:00.002+08:00

It's been sucha long time since my last entry.
Alot has changed.
Finishing attachment, getting into a new job and now changing for another..something that I have always wanted, hopefully.
Starting 2 November 2009 will be a whole new chapter of my career. This time, I got to make it work. No more government sector, restricted by a million processes and red tape.
Been so uptight about alot of things lately and wonder if change is for the better.

If only I can predict the future...

For a Seamless Journey

2009-04-06T21:15:00.002+08:00

Monday is off to a good start.

I told myself Good Friday is this Friday and therefore it's just a short work week! No classes and therefore more time for the dog, myself and assignments. Due this week are 3 heavy weights. The 3 days of work have been a transition and therefore last week was indeed a grumpy affair right through the weekend. Today, however, was somewhat different. I am getting into the relax mood, enjoying my honeymoon as a new staff. Time was spent wisely. The morning saw me heading to HQ for the induction programme; made new friends. Headed back to office with one of them because we were going to be located at the same office, just a different department. Nice getting to know people. I am, after all, a 'waggy tail'. hee hee hee.

I lunched with my colleagues. I don't take to 'children topics' very well. So there's really nothing much to say....had Yong Tau Fu and couldn't wait to leave. My dad surprised me by dropping me a message that he was round the corner for lunch with mum! So it gave me good excuse to escape from the generation gap..hahaha...ok don't tell me I am running away from one to another...

Here's the thing...the table my parents were sitting at was so cramp. It was extremely difficult for anyone to walk pass other than to knock you or push your chair away. Behind me was a Chinese man who could've pushing his chair in a little more. One of the aunties from the carrot cake stall shoved past me and my mum told me it was super deliberate. She also told me to 'take revenge' by doing the same when she walked past later. I had 2minutes to make my choice. I don't know what made me do what I did but just as she walked towards that narrow space between myself and the guy sitting behind, I stood up, moved my chair away and smiled at the lady who thanked me and smiled and we did a 'hi-five'. YEAH!! TOTALLY COOL!!! It was an indeed a funny sight. Again, don't ask me why I did that. I was just glad I did because shortly after I shifted my chair parallel to my dad's, as the table behind us (where the Chinese man originally sat) was being cleared, the lady clearing the empty dishes attempted to carry too many at one time and dropped them onto the Chinese guy and just right onto the space where my mum told me to block the Aunty earlier!!!!!! Ok, the description of this scenario might sound absolutely bimbotic but I just have to narrate it this way. Call it candid if you wish.

Finished the coffee, headed back to office and the rest of the day passed quickly. Let's hope tomorrow is another happy one. Meeting dear to discuss our assignments. ONE DOWN!! 2 more to go this week! WOOHOOOOooooo...WORK IT WORK IT WORK IT!!!

Heading Back into Fossil Age

2009-04-05T15:34:00.003+08:00

Amazing how my life takes a turn. From one bureaucratic structure to another. I thought it was all over. I was happy. I tried something new for a month. And for the sake of money, I went back into what I never thought I would and told myself I never will. External forces affected my decision in a way. I feel so handicapped all of a sudden because I thought since they loved standardisation, shouldn't their IT be standard across the board too? People say I should not complaint so much because I should see myself - an irritated, frustrated young lady who doesn't know how lucky I am to have a job in such bad times. It is affecting my life, and I am taking it out on my boyfriend too! Who wouldn't get pissed if I repeat the same things over and over again when asked, "So how are you in your new job?" But look, who ever tells you things like, "My work don't require the internet so I don't see why you are so flustered without it?" Others go, "Relax man! Enjoy your honeymoon period. Why so gan jiong?" No wonder people there are totally oblivious to what is happening outside and totally fossil aged. Of course, one of me cannot instil change. People in such an organisation hate changes. Every corner lies an imaginery sign saying "Don't Rock My Boat, Please!"

I know it's bad to even mention that I need the internet for my personal agenda. Actually, if I don't have assignments or ain't studying now, I will just follow the rest and enjoy my honeymoon, reading my own book. accessing only the intranet and the intranet alone, and the great masterpiece called the Masterplan!! I hear you..."Not Happy, QUIT LAH! Complaint so much for what?" It's for the money remember? And yes, I will go on JUST FOR THE MOOLAH!!! It's hell of alot you know.....and now that I am almost broke, with monthly bills that never stop, I have to work.....and since I chose this path, made this decision knowing all too well what I am getting into (but I really didn't know it was that bad...worse than my previous similar sector) I will survive and perservere!!!!

Sorry to those who had to put up with me and my extreme anger the past 3 days. Ok, I have only been working for 3 days and I am telling the world I cannot take it anymore. What's wrong with me men? Not happy to have a job? Where is the contentment?

Corny as it may seem, I started work on 1 April. I am starting to wonder if it's all a bad joke.

It's a Dog's Life

2009-02-21T09:15:00.009+08:00

Fire Crackers & Ang Pows

2009-01-24T09:48:00.007+08:00

WELCOME...MOOMOO 2009!!

To all our Chinese friends, I wish you a Prosperous and Happy Chinese New Year!!

I am working today for half a day as I always do every alternate Saturday. Just bought Chocolate Truffle and Apple Crumble for my sister who's returning to Singapore for the CNY celebrations on Sunday afternoon. My workplace makes fabulous pastries and cakes but sorry people, only for the privileged few. Though there's staff discount, I am broke every month because a measly $500 allowance a month does little for the thinning wallet and pocket of holes.

It has been a rather tiring week where rest either didn't come easily or was insufficient. Hopefully, the longer weekend will revitalise my body for a shorter work week! hee hee hee Tonight will be scouting the streets of Chinatown with Dear, May & Irene in search for good new year buys and more photo taking!!! What's new right? hahahaha...Okie Dokies everyone! May the year of the ox bring more joy and at the same time strengthen ties with your loved ones in such turbulent times.

I'm a happy cow!

MOOOOOOOOOoooooo....

Love Is Sweet

2009-01-16T15:39:00.001+08:00

Tick Tock Tick Tock

2009-01-14T16:25:00.003+08:00

Time passes real slowly today.
I don't wish to be where I am.
My expectations are not met.
So many things going through my mind.
What do I do?
What can I say?
Where will I go?
I don't know.
Time passes real slowly today.

Fatty Jiggle & Wobble

2009-01-12T10:30:00.006+08:00

It was yet another fantastic weekend where I worked half day on a Saturday before heading with Dear to Temasek Poly open house to catch the action where the senior students put up performances to lure O/N'Level graduates. We attended one by Business School and the skit was about Tiara Banks, Briani Spears & Next Top Model...Students!!!! I'd say pretty creative, wild and humourous. Tell me about my Secondary School or JC days where everything was academic & totally unimaginative. It was good to feel 18 again...HAHAHA..We visited every faculty they had, collected brochures & I stumbled upon a Diploma in Veterinary Science. I thought COOL! I can take that up next time since I didn't have the chance the last time. Unfortunately, one of the students who introduced me the course probably thought I was trying to show off me currently taking another degree & told me that if I wanted to continue collecting certificates, I am more than welcome to join them. Yes, it was a put off, really. Dear reminded me that they are 'kids' I am talking to & I was like "Oh yah...I totally forgot about that...still thinking they were at least 21." Oh well, they didn't have part time courses anyways. Their Chicken Cutlet was not bad though. HEE HEE HEE. The portion & price were reasonable. A late lunch we'd and the oil did churn the stomach funny.

Headed to Tampines Mall to take a look at movie timings...wondering if we could catch Ponyo On the Cliff By The Sea or perhaps Yes Man..GUESS WAD? While checking the timings on the TV screens, a group of guys approached us giving away free movie tickets because their friends couldn't make it at the last minute. They had a stack of 2 different movies with them - Bedtime Stories & 7 Pounds. We chose 7 Pounds coz we watched the former already. A heavy 2 hr show. Still not really hungry, we headed over to my place and walked Blackie before finally sitting at Simpang for wraps and Hummus. Met Herbert later....MAN! He was so late...

Sunday was Sentosa Day with Ryan & Claire! A fun afternoon without the sun and a few drops of rain but compensated with Satay Pizza & a jug of beer..hee hee hee..It was a short outing because Ryan had to head off for a family dinner and babe was tipsy!!! HAHAHHA..We agreed that the next time there shall be sun..because the waters were freaking cold...We took pictures..will upload a few fatty good ones later!!! BIiiiiOOONnnnGggg..

Waiting Hoping Expecting

2009-01-08T09:10:00.002+08:00

The questions. When? Will you? Is it going to happen? Sometimes I wonder if it's just me; something I can never get over. At the same time I wonder if it happens only when I am in a relationship, when I am more committed. Will I ever get through this? Why the insecurity? Or is it?

I really thought all these are just a figment of the past. It should not be reoccuring and it is odd that it is. Perhaps I am not busy enough. Perhaps I think too much or rather I am starting to all over again. When will all these stop? Probably too much TV is bad. Some characters do relate to me and seeing them evoke memories. I worry that things are taken for granted. I worry that history will repeat itself. I worry that all I have will disappear. I worry that I slip into that realm of losing direction & control - that realm I still find myself hovering over. If not careful, I will just be sucked back in. Is this called the haunting of the past? Or simply just indulging too much into it?

After all these, I realise I never got over what I intended to. It is obvious since it is happening again. I need to block them out and be disciplined enough to understand that things are different now. I am a different person. The past experiences should act as teachings and not be events I brood over and keep bringing back. Will you message me? Will you call me? I start to expect and anticipate. When those anticipated wishes are not fulfilled, I get disappointed. Nobody's fault really. It is all in my mind. I form the hope. I expect returns. I don't get any. I sit there and wait, pondering over "Will we meet?" Is it so difficult for me to just ask? And right before I can, the bubble of thoughts will form again - "Am I too demanding?"

I am sure we ask ourselves where life is taking us and when it will take us? I see many working on the same mundane task day-in day-out and telling me they don't really have a choice because of responsibilities and comittments. Doesn't it become tiring when there are no more challenges from the day we awake to reaching the office to ending the day and the whole cycle repeating itself? Yet when we take risks, we are faced with scrutiny. When we make it eventually, pursuing our dreams, the audience will applaud us. When we fail, we find who our true friends are & the bystanders' chant - "I told you so". Where do we go? What do we fear? How many steps should we take?

When will it end?

Today

2009-01-07T16:11:00.002+08:00

The intern is busy. Without her laptop, work suddenly comes non-stop.
Blackie needs a visit to the vet. A fungal-like skin infection that stubbornly refuses to go away. Poor Charcoal Boy.

Ok, that's all for today.

A Post of Love

2009-01-06T14:06:00.008+08:00

All I want is to be in your heart,
For us to be together

And never be apart.

When you are sad,
I will dry your tears
When you are scared,
I will comfort your fears.
No one else in the world can ever compare
You're perfect and so is this love that we share.

Numbers Numbers Numbers

2009-01-05T14:10:00.004+08:00

I hate dealing with numbers and I've had enough of this since the day I was asked to help out here. I know what I like and it definitely is nothing related to Finance - accounts or investments! So take me out of this godforsaken place already! You know what I like as well! Perhaps you guys don't like the fact that I bring my own laptop and do my own stuff but let's face it, I am HELPING you with whatever you are doing when actually after being here you can do it YOURSELF! It isn't difficult..in fact it is brainless. I know I am squabbling here but I really cannot take it! I need to air out the crazy hormonal imbalance in me!!!! It is also called PMS or Premenstrual Syndrome if you may.

PMS varies from woman to woman. It causes fatigue, irritability, emotional upsurges and even depression. I don't know for whatever reason, I am never a big fan of Chinese New Year. The family reunions, everything to do with family. I MUST this..I MUST that..Yes, give me all your filial piety shit..

I cannot wait to migrate...leave this country...leave the home...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! HUMPH!

Photos for My Day!

2009-01-04T11:56:00.012+08:00

Dear & Me at Shin - Because of the lighting, we tried a black & white shot!

Our dinner for the night!

We tried out a few colour shots after dinner..haha

YAY! We'd a great time!

Waking Up to A Great 2009!

2009-01-02T10:55:00.003+08:00

30 Dec was well spent. Yes, I worked. I did get paranoid because I remembered working on my b-day in yr 2005 & fell down big time. Never did I dare work on that day again till 2008. My colleagues celebrated it for me, surprising me with a cake. AMAZING! I really didn't expect it because I am only an intern, afterall. Thank You!!

Dinner was at Shin (Suntec). Food was exquisite. I was very late...sorry to make you wait Dear! Yah, that pretty much settled the day- the way I liked it.

I worked half a day on 31 Dec 08 and then my second ad-hoc shift at 5pm with Dear, at an event at Shangri-La Hotel which lasted till 2.30am. I must say it was an enjoyable experience even though the New Yr's eve was spent working. Time passed really fast because I was in charge of photo cutting & pasting & being a Dinner and Dance, you can imagine the number of pictures people wanted to take! Yes, every job has a different skill set no matter how menial it may be. It did get quite tedious when the attendees started coming by 'demanding' for their earlier taken photos. I felt bad because there was only one printer on set & the printing speed wasn't the desired one, unfortunately. Nevertheless, we tried the best as we could & churned out almost 700 photos! For those who didn't manage to get theirs printed, the soft copy will be sent to the company after the event.

Needless to say seeing Dear's role that day, mine was absolutely incomparable. hee. Doing lots of running around, intercom, following the time schedule, it was pressurising on Dear's part to make sure that the acts were on time and the talents arrived on schedule. Regardless of what happens in between, the end result cannot be failure. Of course, with proper pre-planning & cooperation (kudos to Azre & Dear), the event was a success!!! And I got paid for the work rendered!! YAY! Enough to pay for Charcoal's food! We headed home after supper at about 4am.

Waking up 6hrs later for lunch at 1pm was a sweet affair. Welcoming the New Year 2009 this way was indeed magical!

My Day

2008-12-30T11:40:00.018+08:00

It is a blast!
It is fabulous!
It is happy!

It is sweet!
It is amazing!
It is magic!
It is family!
It is super duper waggy tail!
It is friendly!
It is loyal!
It is............................................

Charcoal & me..

AND It is YOU YOU YOU....All of you...YOU made my day. HURRAY

Being Me

2008-12-29T13:48:00.003+08:00

Having the wacky hormonal imbalances is not unusual for us ladies. There will be times of high and times of low. During the latter, we feel extremely lost with the mood swings appearing at odd times of the day. As we get older, these feelings start to turn into hot flushes and even more severe emotional changes.

When we are younger, we focus alot on our studies. Little do we've time to play. For me at least. I wonder where my childhood went, looking back. Time seemed to past without me yearning to go back to 10 years ago. Could it have been that bad? Or is there really nothing worth remembering? I realised that everytime someone asks me about my past, I will start to recollect that unfateful day. I won't be spelling it out but that was the turning point - a life changing turning point. It made me appreciate the fragility of love and friendship that can only be understood through memories and time. Does it make me strong again? Definitely. At the same time, it shows me how important it is to reveal your feelings sometimes, because you never know when you will ever get that chance again.

Have you experienced that feeling where you lost something precious and found it again years later only to realise that things have changed and what you so dearly lost & now found, no longer felt the same? In order not to be bias here, I am sure there are those who are tremendously happy finding what was lost. When it comes to feelings, it's more complicated. When you lose it, you lose it almost completely. Even when he or she returns to your life, it isn't the same. I always wonder how people can change; get married and express their vows & love for each other and the next minute, they are getting a divorce. It makes me afraid seeing so many failures. Having been in a few relationships have taught me alot. It has changed me. I am glad it is for the better. Being more sensitive and trying very hard never to make the same mistakes over and over again, my motto to living now is always be happy.

And thanks to all the people I have met, acquaintances, family & friends, you have made a difference in my life, in one way or another. Don't worry whether you've made it happening, happy or sad, it is all in the name of the learning journey.

Spending My Time

2008-12-29T12:07:00.004+08:00

What's the time?
Seems its already morning
I see the sky, its so beautiful and blue
The TV's on
But the only thing showing is a picture of you

Oh, I get up and make myself some coffee
I try to read a bit but the story's too thin
Then I thank the Lord above
That you're not there to see me
In this shape I'm in

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you think of me too
I'm spending my time

I try to call but I don't know what to tell you
I leave a kiss on your answering machine
Oh, help me please
Is there someone who can make me
Wake up from this dream?

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you are missing me too
I'm spending my time
Watching the sun go down
I fall asleep to the sound
Of "tears of a clown"
A prayer gone blind
I'm spending my time

My friends keep telling me: Hey, life will go on
Time will make sure will get over you
This silly game of love you play you win only to lose

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small
I stare at the wall
Hoping that you are missing me too
I'm spending my time

Watching the sun go down
I fall asleep to the sound
Of "tears of a clown"
A prayer gone blind

I'm spending my time...

Working on a Saturday Morning

2008-12-27T08:46:00.004+08:00

Good Morning everyone! Rise and shine now!!! The sun is right at your bum!!!! Isn't it hot?

Oh well, another of the alternate Saturday work week where I cannot go out late on a Friday night and I try my very best to squeeze in just that few more minutes of sleep before dragging myself out of bed. Today is the day I rebel (not that I have not done any of such things..hee hee hee). Putting on my Country Road skinny jeans (I have thank Dear publicly for choosing it), a loose colourful top (I cannot get over Christmas yah??!! New Yr is here too!!! Season to be jolly, it is!) and Fred Perry, I headed to the train station where I met my intern-friend for the 40min train ride to Commonwealth, change to a bus and proceeded to Green Green Grass of Holes. Tough to be late when you wake up at 6.15am and gotta reach the office by 8.30am. We can always board the latest shuttle at 8.25am. Punch cards are so passe but never here! Everything is pretty manual. By the way, jeans are not allowed and neither are T-shirts or skimpy tops. HACK IT I said and so I am dressed the way I dress! In fact, many have been turning up in jeans and clothes more suitable for a trip to the grocer's than for work. Which is worse? Coming to work late or dressing inappropriately? Go figure..

26 December 2008

Went with Dear to his friends' gathering. It was a simple BBQ affair with the usual food like Chicken Wings, Satay etc etc. We didn't get there till 9pm because by the time I got home, ran the dog (we beat the rain) and showered, it was almost 8pm. Sorry Dear! Did I make you starve?

Finally saw Azre again, lanky Tuan Tuan, Azmi, Nasser & a few new faces I heard about but didn't see before. A sweet gathering of the gay pride!!!! Corny, cranky and gross jokes galore!! very unsuitable for the young and lighthearted. Took lots of photos that will be gracing facebook soon so watch out for them...heeheehee...see me making monkey faces and doing a star jump! Dear sent me home at about 10.20pm. If not for me working the next day, we would've stayed longer!!! ARGGHH!!

27 December 2008

Meeting Dear & his friends, May & Irene, later after work. Thank you May for inviting me!!!! hee hee hee Shopping, doing our hair and dinner. I brought camera!!! More cam whoring again!!!! Stay tuned for more updates....hopefully less words and more pictures for my next post.

TILLLLLADOOOOooooooo...

Joy to My World

2008-12-26T08:47:00.003+08:00

Christmas Eve, 24 December 2008, 7pm

The eve was spent half day at work before heading home to prepare for the family dinner at night. The dinner was boring - could be the generation gap. It was either the kids table or the more-than-half-a-century-old table. I eventually chose the in-between that was made up of a husband & wife. Yes, that's all. It was a quiet 'party' that my dad agreed on my attendance without consulting me first. Because I was there every year, I suppose it was just taken for granted that I will not have plans or I must cancel any plans whatsoever.

9pm

I really couldn't stand staying there a minute longer because I finished dinner at 7.35pm & tried hard to entertain myself but to no avail. Anyhow, I made my quick escape at 9 for AMK because I was scheduled to meet Dear for a movie - IP Man - at 11.35pm. I was at AMK extremely early and while waiting, I walked around. Of course, not being a shopping fan, I started getting bored...again..Now don't tell me girls should like shopping and therefore I must be lying. I do admit that sometimes the shopping urge comes along but most of the time, I do not shop aimlessly. I will shop for a reason and seldom, it is for myself. So I am the kind where after I have gotten what I set out to buy, I will be lost because I don't know what to do after that..hee hee hee...

10.15pm

Finally Dear arrives!!!! We sat down for some drinks while waiting for the show to start. I must say the movie was great! Thanks Dear! The wait was worth it...keekekkekeke..

1.20am

Home Sweet Home

Christmas Day, 25 December 2008, 3pm

Dear and I headed to Hougang Mall to take a walk. We managed to buy what we wanted for a simple meal we were going to cook that night - Pan fried salmon, Lettuce wrapped with minced pork. We didn't want it too heavy because lunch was pretty late. An inexpensive dinner with lots of love. What more can I ask for? *WINK WINK*

It's a Season to be Jolly

2008-12-23T11:41:00.010+08:00

Christmas is almost here!

2008 is about to end. It has been a fast-paced year for me. There've been alot of changes. I cannot wait for Christmas. Time seems to past too fast for me recently. Could be the new industry, new people I am meeting and me, being happy most of the time. Happy days are always fast moving, isn't it so? And happy times spent with loved ones move even faster. Attending a family Christmas party on the eve; this has been a yearly affair. Meeting dear after that to welcome Christmas.

The New Year will be here in another 8 days!

I will be working on the eve. I need the extra income to pay for dog food. HAHA.

And yes, this is the dog.

I have left my previous job looking for greener pastures (no pun intended). Sometimes I wonder if I did make the right choice in leaving right now when the job market is gloomy. Did they say the hospitality business is still the next big thing? One thing I know is the government will not let the IR fail. It cannot. It's the baby of the white clothes. Stepping into it after I graduate; will it still be unstable? Will I be rocking my own boat? The question should be "Is this what I really want?" Yes, you can say I am second guessing myself again when I invested in 30K for another specialised degree and quitting an iron rice bowl job. Don't worry...I am not hitting crossroads nor am I facing a dilemma. I just need to fix my mind on my goal in life.

Right now, I just want to enjoy the holidays I have. And this is how I will do it...

Merry Christmas!!! Happy New Year!!!!

Green Green Grass of Holes...Continued

2008-12-15T21:39:00.002+08:00

I have learnt how to travel from the nearest MRT from my place to my work place far up North in the shortest amount of time possible. I have also learnt to be punctual to work every day without fail. Being punctual is an understatement because I reach the office at least 30min early every day. Whether I have reached my goal of learning something new about the hotel industry or the hospitality industry, the answer is NO. I cannot wait for the next 2 months to end. Endless grumblings daily is definitely taking a toll on my ever-ready-to-try-new-things-mode. Blame it on this - work is nothing new to me nor are complaints. 30K in studies at some institution that didn't properly manage the attachment should be sued. Of course, it all boiled down to choice. Eventually, I should probably blame it on myself for having bad foresight and poor risk management.

TOO BAD...Better luck next time Serene!

The Longer Weekend is Here

2008-12-04T14:03:00.001+08:00

YAY! It is here. Coming Monday is a public holiday - Hari Raya Haji. I am off on Friday. Will be working the midnight shift today from 11pm to 7am building a Ginger Bread House for Christmas. It will surely screw up my bio-clock but only for a day which shouldn't be too much of a problem...will sleep more tomorrow.. down with throat infection and slight flu isn't good considering the long weekend and my previous company's Dinner and Dance on Sat!!! Anyhow, I cannot wait to do up the Ginger Bread House with the other interns tonight. It sure is gonna be a fun-filled event because my task is to write up the SOP for this. I am bringing my camera with me to take photos of everyone in action. It will also facilitate SOP writing later because sometimes details can be forgotten as I immerse myself in too much fun..hee hee hee...

Though I need to wake up at 6am every morning, knowing that I will be in tuned with greenery and fresh air makes me feel at the top of the world. If Singapore was not located in the tropics, I believe the weather will be perfect for my picturesque work environment. Heading into the city area yesterday to drop off documents was an uncomfortable affair. Conrete after concrete, heaps load of vehicles and tons of exhaust pollution - it was a far cry from splendid golf courses, trees and more trees, that I've been seeing for only 3 weeks. If you guys think you have had good food out there, I tell you nothing really beats the pastries, desserts and Chinese restaurants here. You might think the food is expensive but after staff discount of 40%, it is still worth paying for. You really cannot find it anywhere else. Afterall, it is a club strictly for members and therefore the exclusivity. No doubt, I lead the 'high-flying' life and yes, I've been buying the yummy pastries and desserts very often!!!

I bought a slice of chocolate truffle cake for dear on his birthday recently. I haven't tasted it before and was worried that it wouldn't be nice. I was wrong. The sponge was soft and moist enough. The raisins were soaked with rum and each bite was aphrodisiac. The Chinese dinner was simple with a good ambience. As both of us needed to work the next day, we left for home pretty early. It was still a sweet ending to the day and we were clearly satisfied.

Friday night will be the start of my usual meet up with dear after a long work week and this time with the weekend seemingly longer as Monday is a public holiday, we will definitely be getting our well deserved rest. YIPPIE! I cannot wait..

Green Green Grass of Holes

2008-12-01T14:03:00.002+08:00

Internship has started and moving into its third week with the closing of the Lexus Cup over the weekend. Full of action on the Sime Golf Course. Helping out in Housekeeping was a tiring affair because of the contsant moving around, checking the bins if they are full and require trash bag replacements. Other than that it was sweeping of the corridors to rid the leaf litter as well as doing the rounds at the Golf course. The chicken wraps lunch was fabulous but only available during special events. 2 out of 3 days of waking up at 6am and leaving office at about 5pm is a real killer. I better reserve my comments or else I will get bashed by many who will think such remarks are uncalled for because there are definitely those who are worse off out there. So here I am enjoying the greenery and pool side and the peace and quiet environment suitable for writing meeting minutes and brain storming for ideas. Today is a super hot day and my brains are fried so I am going to stop the blog here. Till I write another entry....enjoy the week ahead!

If We Hold On Together

2008-11-14T11:23:00.003+08:00

Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start

Live your story
Faith, hope & glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end

Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away

Words are swaying
Someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I

Today ends a previous chapter of my life and opens a new one on 17 Nov. A fresh start. The people I have met will always remain in my memory. No regrets. A series of challenges, new acquaintances will surface as I move in the direction I so much know right now that is clear and bright. Not deterred by the economic downturn, it is time to move on and venture into the unknown, unlearn, learn and relearn. The period of training, development, self upgrade is here. Opportunities do not come knocking twice. I cannot wait.

The Car, The Gal and KTV

2008-11-13T10:24:00.007+08:00

Blatantly obvious enough for some, and ambiguous for others.

What am I talking about? Let's start with cars and gals. We know that many gals are with guys because of the vehicle they have, a decent enough car, perhaps. And we also know that many guys spend all their cash on the gal they love, even if it is one sided. We've seen many. Many choose to deny the fact that the gal is just all out to spend every single dime he has. Some men just want to show they are financially capable by spending extravagantly hoping to win the gal's heart in the long run. Wishful thinking for some but there are gals who just want the money. I don't know if it's for security or just plain material needs. What do you think about a guy buying a car just to chauffeur the gal around? Trying desperately to win her heart? Or just too much money to spare? I thought that guys like that have begun to cease to exist until I recently met 2. I do not know if it's foolish to spend $$ on a gal who is newly attached and hopefully she will be touched and he will be 'one-up' above the boyfriend because he has 'THE CAR'! I know love can be blind but this is ridiculous!!!

Let us name the two men A and B. Both are in love. B got the gal only to find out she used him and his car to personal gains and needs. The gal had a change of heart but later found her way back to B, who so willingly gave her a second chance but still got made used of again before finally learning to let go and get his life back on track.

A liked one gal for 2 years before finally learning to let go because nothing materialised and then started falling for another who is newly attached for 2 months. A asked me if he should get a car to be 'better' than his competition because the latter has no car. Hypothetically, A gets the gal. If it is because of the car, is the wooing so much as worth it? If a better 'car' comes along, then what? A is Mr Nice Guy. I can attest to that. He always asks himself why can't he find that gal? Is it his physical appearance? character? WHAT?

All I can say is A, better luck next time. Maybe it's just not time to fall in love because the 'right' one hasn't come along. Enjoy singlehood and immerse in games. Yes, I know you've a sum of savings just waiting to be spent on your 'girfriend' but come on man!! Is that all there is to life? Or you have no life? How about your start losing weight first? Honestly, it helps in finding a gal. Even if she doesn't appear after all that weight loss, no worries! 'coz you will still be looking good, feeling good and healthly.

And what about KTV? The gal who is attached and A is after? does not want to go for the KTV because A is not going. So sweet hur? I find it totally brainless. Don't confirm something you eventually will cancel because you don't know the value of commitment. For those of you who do this frequently, you should feel ashamed of yourselves. If abundant notice is given, fair enough, but if it's last minute, pity those who have agreed on their attendance, gave up other appointments and sticking to it. It isn't so much of cancelling, really. It is a lame excuse that because this person is not going, so I am not going also. Still in primary school?

So A, should you happen to read my blog, you are not going to friend me anymore?

Don't friend don't friend lor...

The Great Leap

2008-10-25T00:49:00.003+08:00

Change.

I am leaving for greener pastures. Will it really be greener on the other side?

I have been extremely stressed because of the recent internship saga with the school. No internships, no hotels and just secured a club for the attachment. I guess learn from somewhere as this is a totally whole new ballgame. Let it come. Bring it on.

Complexion as bad as ever due to the past few stressful weeks, trying very hard to earn myself a place in the hotel industry; sending resumes and hoping for responses. Fortunately, it did earn me a few interviews and opportunities to understand this process a little better. It makes me learn again. Never stopped.

One final assignment before the battle for the exams. A tough semester this has been yet again. 4 more months of attachment and the final semester. The last payment in Nov this year and saving up all over as money has been well spent on a course that you can say is my dream and passion. Will I ever succeed? Time will tell.

Rest. Yes, it is time for that now. Enjoy the long weekend! The year is ending. A new one begins.

My Way Your Way

2008-10-14T08:58:00.004+08:00

Courtesy begins with me. Or should I say I must give way be it right or wrong. Let me relate an incident yesterday night after a movie at Downtown East.

Narrow pedestrain walkway. Bicycles parked at the right side taking up more space. Left side blocked with wire mesh because of loose soil. The stretch is long and straight. Loud techno music suddenly blasted from behind. Seems wierd to be a cyclist so I thought it was from a car. Continued walking. Reminder - pedestrian walkway. I turned around to look but only saw a cyclist coming from behind and I still thought the loud music was not from him. I stook my ground and didn't give way because it was my bloody right!!! Then...i felt a nudge from a bicycle handle at my ribs. I moved aside before the cyclist with his girlfriend sitting in the front shoved past and yelled:" DON'T KNOW HOW TO GIVE WAY IS IT????!!! NOT HAPPY CALL POLICE LAH!!! YOUR GRANDFATHER'S ROAD AH? BASKET!!!"

Continued walking. He cycled off onto the road but kept turning back. He stopped at the end where there was an opening. He waited there. Upon reaching where he was, he used his bicycle to block my way and once again opened his mouth:"WALK LAH!!!" Oh sure...of course I just turned left and walked on. He even got his girlfriend to get off the bicycle because he thought that looking for trouble was that easy. I guess only an uneducated MF would do that.

Continued walking. Reached the bus stop. He sped by, braked at where I was, stared at me before finally riding by. So throughout the whole time, there was just one loud voice. He turned off the techno music blasted from the speaker to prove this.

That was it. End of the story. No. No scene except his own was created. In my head were the possibilities that I would've done if I was equally a MF gangster:

Punched him
Push his bike all the way back onto the road and shove it so that he falls
When he rides by, trip him
When he rides by, pull the antenna of the speaker to see it smash into pieces on the ground
When he rides by, give him a good choke and not let go

Yes, I saw all these in my head but No, I didn't execute any of the actions because if I did, I will probably be narrating the incident in court and then to the inmates behind bars.

Thereafter, I was scared. I wondered if he will recognise my face and then later bring his gang to beat me up. I sound like I've been watching too many drama mama shows but well, when it doesn't happen now doesn't mean it won't happen at all. I suppose we've to know not to step on the wrong tail. Sometimes I wish I can just be the guy who just yelled. At least he expresses everything, angrily or arrogantly. Keeping quiet and not wanting to rouse a scene is called being civilised?? Or just not wanting to get into trouble? Which is scarier? Emotional or physical pain? If the guy hit me or I get personal with him by saying his behaviour is usually because he has a low self esteem, lack of confidence, bad childhood or maybe a BAS***D child?

As yesterday's events slowly creep by, I cannot stop but want to help people like that. I never want to believe that they are born this way. I bet nature has everything to do with it. It is sad and this is reality. It is like saying if only everyone has the ability to go to school and receive education and become well bred and good samaritans. Wouldn't the world be a better place? WORLD PEACE!!! Then, where will the odd job labourers comes from? Who will be the rubbish collector? Who will be the road sweepers? Yet we see people rushing for seats on the train. We see people pretending to sleep and taking up the priority seats. When a pregant lady or the elderly comes on board, the priority seats are not given up. Seat warmers and all the inconsiderate selfish mongrels.

With all these sociological differentiations and country's business developments moving a tad too much faster than the people, will we too far behind? If we are not too careful, we might just not be able to catch up and inevitably become a developed and ungracious society.

Decisions

2008-10-06T16:44:00.002+08:00

Crossroads ahead. Decisions to make. So what should I choose? What should I say? How should I say? When is the right time? I don't know. I am very stressed up. I have to take a risk should I make the decision I am about to make. I already know the consequences because they are obvious enough and money becomes difficult to solve when there are many commitments revolving around cash flows. Sigh. I want to solve the problem but before I do that I have to make a decision through the weighed alternatives and options. Should I? I feel that my problems should be solved on my own and not rubbed off onto others, burdening them with additional stress. Yet at the same time, with so many things going on in my head, how can I act oblivious to the eminent dilemma ahead? It will only become a dilemma if I let it be because putting it aside is only stalling for time and the problem still remains. I need to give myself time to think. I am given till the end of this week to come to my decision because the following week will be the choice I have made and cannot look back to avoid the possibility of regrets. Good luck to me....I don't know why but suddenly I wish to be left alone...small in the corner of the world without any disruptions..I want to skip classes...I just want to recluse. I want to cry.

It only takes a spark....to confirm everything. Where is it? What is it?

Reflections

2008-10-03T23:02:00.003+08:00

HA! It's been 10 days since my last blog! No, that isn't the longest period between blogs but for those who consistently read it, I guess it's time for an update. I recently celebrated my sweet and simple little anniversary with an exchange of couple rings and thank you to all my friends out there who congratulated us and sent us your well wishes!

I am going to take a sharp turn from this blissful image you already have with my earlier sentence to say that while there may be many happy couples out there celebrating their anniversaries, their weddings, their love for each other, there are also those who are having affairs, having one-night stands and going through arduous separations and divorces. It can be one sided where the man or the woman 'suddenly' don't love either party any more which is wierd because there is love at first sight and then everything magical disappears and falls to pieces leaving disaster for those involved. I am always amazed at how strong I've become as a woman and as a person through the experiences I have been through thus far. I know that many obstacles I face should not stumble me but at that point in time when life seems so miserable and we start asking why, those will be the times when we feel that life is unfair and totally unnecessary. Then when that period of unhappiness passes, the sky seems clearer again and our vision less clouded and more willing to take in more light. We will mature along the way and when I tell myself it will soon pass and it is just a wave where there are highs and lows in life, I will be more positive and not dwell in my own misery because that is not considered loving yourself. Like how I feel that you got to trust yourself, you got to love yourself too in order to be able to love others whole heartedly without reservations. It is up to individuals because love is a very controversial issue.

I am being very emotion-less here and I really do not know if it's because of some of what I've gone through before and the different kinds of people I've met - their lives, listening to them, understanding their problems, but honestly, sometimes we should take a step back and reflect on ourselves. We can treat ourselves to a nice and quiet time at home, at the beach...just be with ourselves and enjoy! I realise that we can give all we want to the one we love, but slowly, giving becomes routine without us knowing it. And subconsciously, we expect to have something in return. Even if we don't, the routine of giving without getting anything in return will slowly turn to a repulsive, negative feeling. And then after some time, we will question if that is love? I could be wrong but we all feel differently anyways and I won't fault anyone who share different thoughts from me. I am open to your opinions should you have any.

Life is short. Really!!! We should make use of every moment and cherish the decisions we make. Of course, we look into our options and make decisions that don't destroy our lives like robbing a bank to prove we can do it, murdering someone to show we are cold-blooded, you know what I mean right? Again, different people different perceptions of enriching and meaningful lives. So for me, as long as I am happy, I know the decision I've made is right for me. Don't regret. Just learn from painful lessons should there be any and move along. East? Yeah...you got to dare to take the first step and try.

I am glad to have someone who can share every moment with me. We can be friends, lovers, buddies, enemies, strangers all at once. I will consider this special because it is not the norm and quite difficult to explain in words. I emphasize again that as long as I am happy, that is all that matters. Be true to myself and my heart. Think before I speak and don't take things for granted.

To continue from my 23 September 2008 blog, I did the run again with my colleague at 11.50am. We headed towards the same route (Marina Bay) except longer this time and he told me I ran 4km today. I am pretty amazed at the endurance level today because the heat is excruciating though not as bad as the first run where I was already not feeling well and extremely heaty yet after the run still went straight into air-con environment and caught a cold; a bad one I must say because I went down with a fever and not knowing that I did!!! I was that SMART!! hahahahahaha Ok..I know I am not supposed to but I am as stubborn as a mule lah.....and forgetting I was already not feeling well....and etc etc etc..so today, I cooled down after the 35 min run at the carpark and showered. The hot water doesn't come out right because the pressure seems wrongly adjusted or something...it was a scorching day!!! Water was a must..because I couldn't stop perspiring....so I knew that the body heat was not trapped within and that fever will not repeat itself..hahaha..It feels good after a run...it works for me all the time.

Dear told me to try different running styles so that different sets of muscles are worked. And yes, I admit that I wasn't as receptive as before to propositions but true enough...the exercise guru is right!! hee hee hee...gotta be careful too because of the ankle....and I will not go into that because if I do, the blog will never end lah...HAHAHA...I am proud of myself for finishing the 4km run without stopping and keeping a consistent pace with my colleague throughout. Whether or not it's for Sports day (up and coming company event), exercise is key to a healthy lifestyle other than a balanced diet!!

Keeping up with the pace

2008-09-23T14:22:00.004+08:00

After 8 years, I finally repeated what I did again - Run under the gruelling heat of the mid-day sun with 2 colleagues during lunch time today. A major feat for me because we hit the marina bay area where construction works aplenty and dust flying everywhere. *COUGH COUGH* But it's fun! Roger didn't join me because it's reallie too hot and bad for his skin I believe and the heat together with the dust will irritate his face even more. Shower facilities was good. One bathroom for ladies with heater, fan, and enough space to place clothes and all. The heater well...takes some time to heat up and when the men's bathroom is in use, the hot water will also be shared and therefore it all depends on who turns on the hot water tap first...hahaha...so I showered in cold water...BRRRRrrrrr...

Anyways, Roger bought me lunch - fish soup bee hoon and I had it slowly because I am super superly drained. What to do? Gotta train for Sports Day leh...doing 2 events - 100m dash and 1500m Women Open..hahaha...it happens to be from 2-5pm as well so I guess training under the mid-day sun allows my body to acclimatise to the weather come 10 Oct!! Good luck to me!!

My colleagues will be running again tomorrow afternoon...I think I will give this one a pass...hee hee hee

MAMA MIA

2008-09-18T10:51:00.028+08:00

And so 7 of us - Catherine, Brandon, Meilian, Huiyen, Joyce, Ryan and me headed to The Cathay to catch the Mama Mia movie at 7.10pm. My bimbo came in late but the show amazingly 'waited' for her and started only at about 7.30pm. It was a fun-filled movie with lots of laughter, sing-alongs and clapping at some scenes. For me, it was like watching the musical but from what Joyce told us, the London musical was definitely much better. Straight after, we still couldn't get the songs out of our heads and we headed to take pictures with the poster as backdrop!! HAHAHA..entering the inviolate belt and then the zone of closure! HAHAHAHAHA I got a passer-by to take a group photo of us only to realise Catherine and Brandon refusing to be in the picture (or rather only Catherine) because she said it's so embarrassing lah!! WAH LAU!!!! It was fun mah..no meh? hahahhaa...because after our a few minutes of cam whoring, other people followed suit!! hee hee hee....

We then headed for food at Plaza Singapura because some of us haven't had our dinners and so a few hamburgers, drinks, fries and more photo taking pretty much summed up the night as we slowly proceeded to the train station and headed on home. A short but cool and fun outing with the usual few of us (this Su ah....last minute don't know what guard duty lah....or else sure join in the 'BHB' fun HEE HEE HEE)

Here's the song that created an impact on my bimbo buddy.....and yes..she bought the soundtrack of the movie straight after the show...heh heh heh...

Thanks Dearie Pants for purchasing the tickets early so that I didn't have to book it online and get charged the booking fee hahaha...so it's just $6 for every ticket coz someone UOB card holder leh..got 12% discount!! hee hee hee..

I give you two videos...the original and from the movie by Meryl Streep!

I don’t wanna talk

About the things we’ve gone through

Though it’s hurting me

Now it’s history

I’ve played all my cards

And that’s what you’ve done too

Nothing more to say

No more ace to play

The winner takes it all

The loser standing small

Beside the victory

That’s her destiny

I was in your arms

Thinking I belonged there

I figured it made sense

Building me a fence

Building me a home

Thinking I’d be strong there

But I was a fool

Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice

Their minds as cold as ice

And someone way down here

Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all

The loser has to fall

It’s simple and it’s plain

Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss

Like I used to kiss you?

Does it feel the same

When she calls your name?

Somewhere deep inside

You must know I miss you

But what can I say

Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide

The likes of me abide

Spectators of the show

Always staying low

The game is on again

A lover or a friend

A big thing or a small

The winner takes it all

I don’t wanna talk

If it makes you feel sad

And I understand

You’ve come to shake my hand

I apologize

If it makes you feel bad

Seeing me so tense

No self-confidence

But you see

The winner takes it all

The winner takes it all......

心动

2008-09-18T10:51:00.027+08:00

心动

有多久没见你
以为你在那里
原来就住在我的心底
陪伴着我的呼吸

有多远的距离
以为闻不到你的气息
谁知道你背影这么长
回头就看到你

过去让它过去
来不及
从头喜欢你
白云缠绕着蓝天
如果
不能够永远都在一起
也至少给我们
怀念的勇气
拥抱的权利
好让你明白
我心动的痕迹

过去让它过去
来不及
从头喜欢你
白云缠绕着蓝天
如果
不能够永远都在一起
也至少给我们
怀念的勇气
拥抱的权利
好让你明白
我心动的痕迹
总是想再见你
还试着打探你的消息
原来你就住在我的身体
守护我的回忆

Pain is Inevitable but Misery is a Choice

2008-09-16T15:32:00.002+08:00

Pain. It comes in many forms. Falling down and hurting yourself. Getting scalded or burnt. A failed relationship. Finding out that your love one is having an affair. Different forms of pain bringing about different types of emotions. The most hurting ones seem to be, for most people, finding out you were betrayed, cheated or even seeing your boyfriend, girfriend, husband or wife having an affair. What will we do? What will you do? Will it be sleepless nights? Confrontation? Pointing fingers? Focusing on whose fault is it rather than the situation at hand? What good does it do? Why ask the questions when he answers don't make a difference anymore? unless...harbouring on hope. Hope. What happens when we hope for the hopeless? Is there such a thing? Will what we expect and then not turn out the way we want it to be makes us upset and disappointed? Why does it go that way? We will get through all these emotional self-inflicted sufferings only when we choose to get over them. But how? More questions again and no answers.

It is always difficult when we are left hanging. It is always simpler when we know the answers. It is easy to say if only..and also easy to say certain things when there already known answers. So the begging question is still...so how? What can I do? How can I ease the pain? Do you think if you continue to talk about what you have gone through, whose fault it should be and all the wrongs, will it make a right? As the saying goes, 2 wrongs doesn't make a right. And likewise for affairs. The husband commits adultery, the wife finds out and then goes out and sleeps around. Does this mean the wife will feel better? How about the marriage is fine. The wife sleeps around because the marriage is getting boring and unsatisfying. In this sense, whose fault is it? Most of the time, it will be the one who's committed adultery. The doer. In reality, is it really true? Or we just perceive it that way and then it becomes true?

Slowly but surely, pain becomes misery when our questions are unresolved and we cannot let things go. You can only help yourself. No matter what other people say. Advice is all you get. We cannot tell you what to do because the one involved in that situation is you. Maybe if you stop focusing all your energy on what has already happened and why it happened, taking steps to learn new things, pick up a new hobby, go out with friends could help in easing the so-called psychological pain.

FACE IT! Brooding is not exactly the best way to go around it. Understanding that when there is pain, surely there will be unhappiness. Don't start asking why there should be because there just naturally is! Don't start finding excuses for yourself. Start finding the path to happiness. Start doing something for yourself. Love yourself. No harm. There is nothing to lose. Just try. It won't hurt will it? Why do we keep falling into the pit of unhappiness when the world out there is so vast and there are so many things we've yet to uncover. Life is short as it is. Why make it shorter with sadness and tears? Worth it?

Loneliness. I understand the feeling of being alone. Personal space. It is different from loneliness. When we have our own personal space, it gives us a breather from everything else, from work, from our boyfriends, girlfriends, wives and husbands and friends. It gives us time to reflect on ourselves and everyone else. We will also reflect on life. It varies from people to people. We should enjoy every minute of our lives I suppose. Be happy with the decision you make. If cannot be happy, just don't regret the decision. When unexpected events happen, work on how you can solve the problem rather than regreting and also get emotional. Things don't get done or get solved on its own just like that.

Actually I work on the principle that anything that happens be it sad or happy will pass and then become memories. Life is never smooth sailing anyway. We learn along the way and from the experiences of the journey. There is no hard and fast rule to living life. There are lots of trial and error. It is full of choices. Our choices and then our decisions make the difference to how things will turn out.

We shouldn't anticipate. Just let it come. Embrace it all. We shouldn't complicate the simple things. Communication can solve lots of misunderstandings. There are always alternatives. Some are just not what we are looking for and that's how it inflicts fear and create an obstacle to go forward. It is just whether we want to or not. Period.

KPE Swing 5km Fun Walk & Run 14 Sep 08

2008-09-15T09:09:00.003+08:00

'Rise and Shine!!!' Beeped my handphone at 6am in the morning on a Sunday morning 14 Sep 08. Yes I know I said to myself..Aren't I already awake at 5.30am????!!!! Arrgghh..Dragging myself outta bed on Sunday morning!!!! You might think I am kidding but neh..it's for the KPE SWING!! My first 5km walk and run event with Ryan, Roger, David & Family, Catherine & Brandon and Ann! BOY!! Was I excited!! I went to the kitchen and grabbed myself 2 pieces of mooncake with egg yolk and mulberry milk, downed the breakfast though there wasn't much saliva production because I seldom got up so early on Sundays. Even Charcoal had to turn his head twice to confirm it was me who opened the front door. Heh heh heh. Ok..with such keen sense of smell, he can sniff me out miles away..who am I kidding hor? HAHAHAHAA Seeing the black one look so cute wagging his tail and poking his nose at me, I played with him and ruffled his ears and smelled his cheeks and patted his 'small' black head. hee hee hee. And then it was time to walk to the train station and meet Roger and Ryan at Kovan station. Don't ask me why I didn't take the shuttle from Tampines. I was just all too willing to get up that early because the engine just needs time to warm up.

Honestly, when the walk started, my brains were just getting up. And the wait..oh man..the wait before the start of the walk was tiring. There were hordes of people and we didn't want to go too much to the front because it was jam pack with people and more people and the pushing and shoving...not a good idea. After all, Catherine, Brandon, David and family and Ann and colleagues were still not here yet. They slowly loomed into sight after Ryan, Roger and I took pictures with the cheap red electronic lanterns and made as many monkey faces as we could to past the time. My red lantern 'ball' rolled off before the walk started!! HAHA It was a guiness record Singapore wanted to have so I guess 15,000 people holding on to lanterns could easily have overtaken the Germans' current record. FREE red lanterns. whether or not it works, whether the 'ball' falls off, doesn't make much of a difference. The sound of the horn and the first wave goes off! The 10km run for Men/Women/Veteran Open went off first. Soon after, our 5km Fun walk and run was flagged off!!! YIPPIE YAY!! There was music and drums playing as we walked into the tunnel. I agree with Ryan. He said it was like Lord of the Rings where the Orks were heading for war, slowly trudging forward towards enemy territory, preparing for battle.

500m into the tunnel, we reached a stretch of darkness where the red lights shone dimly as we moved along, not brightening our paths and soon an accident happened. A female runner supposedly for the 10km run knocked into an elderly lady who was in the free black KPE swing top.

Oh..I forgot to mention earlier that the free Tees came with the race pack that Roger and I collected on 6 Sep. They came in different colours - BLACK (which was pretty dumb because a black top in a dark surrounding?? Bad Combination), luminous ORANGE, GREEN and YELLOW! As for sizes, females were standard M and males XL. For some it seemed to fit ok, for others it was like drooping! Oh well..many wore their own tops, nevertheless.

As I was saying, the elderly lady got knocked down and though not entirely serious, there will surely be some superficial wounds bearing in mind of the surface we all were walking on! The lightings got quite boring after awhile because they were the same over and over and some people started leaving through the exits of the expressway. I wonder how they tracked the timing because there was no if not little demarcations for the 5km Walk & 10km Run.

Towards the last 2.5km, Ryan and I left Roger behind and ran towards the finish line (Eh..Roger said he was tired and told us to run along and that he will meet us later). We ran pretty fast I must say and the lane for the 10km runners were all pretty clear already so when we finished....we collected the goodie bag meant for the 10km runners! HAHAHAHA....I compared with Roger's and there was really no difference anyway...DUH!

Ryan was supposed to be doing the 10km run but because it was my first walk/run event, he companied me..SWEEEEEET! And Roger! You did well too! Waking up early for some exercise!! Don't forget our Tue/Wed run..HAHAHA..

So yah..there you have it...that pretty much summed up the morning for you...thereafter we headed back to Kovan for Macdonalds Big Breakfast!!! SLURP SLURP!! Aiyah..don't say all that exercise is for nothing leh....very hungry lah!!

Half Dead

2008-09-12T10:27:00.004+08:00

Today is Friday. Aren't Fridays supposed to be happy and relaxing? I guess it's been a long week and sleep wasn't enough to bring me to life on Friday!!!!!!!! It is a slow moving day with a trip down to the Basement at work to review some archive matters. At least there was some elvator travelling other than sitting at the workstation all day. My buddy Roger is also half as dead, his face looking worse than ever and scratching his eyes so much they seem to want to pop!!! And his tummy...GOSH!! hahahahaa...mine is not doing any better. It's growing too.......FAT!!!! HAHAHAHAH

Today is also assignment due day for one of the modules. As it is only a simple electronic submission, it ain't that bad. Saturday will be stay home day to continue with the next assignment that will be due soon in order not to let things become a rush job like how it always does. There's class tonight. I really want to go home and not attend class so I can catch up on my rest but it's one of my favourite modules I must say and the most difficult because of the calculations within - ACCOUNTS!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHiHH!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot stand accounts. I only secured a PASS which was really good already because I never had background knowledge during my education years. Perhaps it is just called self consolation.

Today is gym day with dear before class. I officially end work at 5.30pm but I was late for work today - 8.55am. Oh HACK! I will still leave at 5.30pm so that I can reach the gym at 6 and workout till 7pm and head to class after a quick shower. I am feeling so lazy and tired that I wonder if anything can be done at gym today. I brought the gear and shoes and yes a pretty heavy bag indeed but let's not waste it hur? Gym is a must considering that I've been stocking up on my mooncake calories for the past week; at least one whole mooncake per day with additionals from colleagues and vendors.

So ya...that sums up the first half of the day. The second half will be a fire fighting process with some IT department. Users and technical specs...NEH! Doesn't complement very well. Time to solve miscommunications and misunderstandings if any. I am gonna grab ma lunch now. Hunger pangs are coming in waves. I will try to control the diet though it won't help especially when my stomach calls for food.

Looking forward to Sunday! KPE Run...but dredding the waking up in the morning at 6am!! DARN!

Your Fault? My Fault?

2008-09-08T23:47:00.005+08:00

My topic for blogging today is about pointing fingers, not that any has happened to me recently but really, I know this happens all the time and I will say that most of the time it is because of some communication break down. It applies to friendship, relationships and marriages. I remember reading off somewhere about a marriage breaking down. Apparently, it is already in the process because the couple cannot keep their hands off other people! Affairs! They really break down relationships. Why do it you might ask? The thrill? Exciting isn't it? Yeah, for a start they are. And when thrills become involvement and cannot do without, this is when things can turn ugly especially for married couples. I won't dare to say it is less for dating couples but married couples made a vow..till death do us part...what happened to that? Maybe we should change this so-called vow to till affairs do us part. Oh! Wouldn't that sound so much better? Or even couples who want to continue playing after getting married can choose the vows to suit the status of the relationship? How about it? What happened to the days when marriages and relationships were taken seriously? WHAT HAPPENED???? I know I shouldn't sound noble and all because we all have a past. We let it go and move on and learn from the experience. We shouldn't repeat the same mistakes. But why keep harping on things when one has already taken that step to separation and divorce? It is odd that only when things happen and break down will people start taking things seriously and hope to patch the pieces back. Sure you can, but the scarring remains. It is a fact. It is reality. It is just no turning back. Then when one cannot find the answers, the blame game begins! The war of the fingers until one backs down and then the other starts calling names. How convenient!!

Now Now..don't worrie...nothing's happened to my relationship..I just read off somewhere about this point-finger issue and feel so irked I cannot help it!!! I just gotta pen it here!! AHHHHHHHHHHH....

Seriously man...the gal has issues!! The guy as well and he doesn't talk much..and just lets her guess..he gives ambiguous answers and she keeps assuming!! Bad combination don't you agree? Nothing comes out of it. If the decision has already been made, the affairs all breaking lose and coming out from under the carpet, then let it all out and move on...you cannot unchange things isn't it? Start afresh...how fresh can you get? The scars will always be there..one time...two times..how many times can you cheat and never get found out? One must be that STUPID to think that. And after cheating and getting found out, you want forgiveness? Woooo....I'd say it's best to just back down, shut up and run away..if your affair wants you...perhaps it's better that way...

I wonder what controversial comments I will get from this entry....so people...fire away!!

Mid-Autumn Celebration at East Coast Park

2008-09-08T09:26:00.007+08:00

Mid-Autumn Celebration at East Coast Park - 6 September 2008

A simple say-it-all title which doesn't require much elaboration except that it poured cats and dogs till about 3 in the morning! Fortunately, all the raw food had been cooked at the quickest speed ever for BBQ!!! The wind was gusty and the fire burnt strongly. We do not need to fan the fire using paper plates like in other BBQ occasions. Or so we thought that the rain will not come because the wind seemed to be blowing the clouds in the opposite direction. The sky was blazing red and isn't it supposed to be red sky = no rain????!!! Or was it the other way around because it soon started storming while we ran from shelter to tent. It was very comical because we did shift everything to a nearby shelter thinking it would rain. And after 30min when it didn't, we shifted everything back to the pit....only to suddenly have rain drops falling on our heads getting harder and angrier each time...and we realised we ought to take cover at a huge tent set up slightly further away. Well, the food did get 'wet', together with all of us, sceaming and yelling as we all ran for the tent. I brought the camping light with 4 new batteries and sad to say, it died on me, probably short circuit when it got wet. It was so dark and we'd to make do with whatever we have. A moon-gazing affair with lanterns became candle-in-the-wind. HAHAHAHA.There were chairs and tables there and we placed all the food there and sat around the table drinking late into the night. Lo and behold...we've two new 'Merlion' winners!!! They are non other than David and YangShun!! WOOOOOOO!!! The two that crowned Joyce as the 2007 Merlion now became one themselves!! HAHAHHA....M sure Joyce was smirked the whole time but who wouldn't be after getting laughed at time and time again? I wonder how things will be in class tonight..will there be any embarrassment? HAIYAH..I am sure the two will be too thick-skinned to feel a thing!! HAHAHAHA....

Whatever it was, it was a great night with lots of laughter and screams and shrills!! Sorry to all who'd to put up with the 3 bitches - me, Joyce and Su!!! I know we were super high and talking so loudly and laughing like a hyena but we were just enjoying ourselves too much and over-crapping. And yes, we were quite rude in shooing some of you away because we really couldn't fill you in on some dirty little secrets of ours that dated way back....If you do read ma blog, please accept my apologies...don't hate me k?

Brandon, nice of you to send David and gang back. Yeah, luckily we didn't allow David to drive after all that booze. Hope everyone had fun and it was a 'whirlwind' affair that night cum wee morning! Perhaps if it didn't rain it could've been more fun, but m glad it was an organised, amazingly enjoyable and 'high' event and most importantly, a showcase of outstanding class spirits and cooperation!

And not forgetting, the many photos of our gatherings to live by!!!

Sleepy Friday

2008-09-05T09:58:00.004+08:00

Good Morning to me!

Wake up already! Boarded the train for work with my huge 'ninja turtle' bag that always gets in the way of commuters. A packed train with little space to move around not because it was superly packed but rather people not knowing who to make more space for other people. The newer trains have the bars (in between cabin connectors) removed; I believe for a simple reason to allow commuters to stand further in from the doors 'for the convenience of all passengers'. And no, people don't really think that way and have an imaginary bar in front of them or something so they refuse to move in, or budge when I try to go through. Perhaps they don't understand my body language when I peered inwards to find space and feel that I should just stand where I am and not move so much. I was nice because I was sleepy and the mind just didn't wanna argue so I asked this lady with a face of blank beside me: "Can I go through?" She did make way for me reluctantly after giving me dagger stares. I bet she must be feeling sleepy too because the weather is simply too good for slumberland and not the push and shove train ride on a Friday morning!!!! URRRGHH!! I share the same sentiments, lady!

I was glad that the lady standing next to her was more considerate and shifted towards the 'cabin connector' (ok, I really don't have the technical name for it yah???) . SWEET. And yes, I did wish I didn't have my 'ninja turtle' because it's superly space consuming...yet as luck would have it....station by station the train went...people got off!!!!! HAHAHA..more space for me, myself and the 'ninja turtle' and my umbrella (with the weather so unpredictable these days, one shouldn't take the chance without an umbrella eh?). Ok, I just want to read my book..I am so hooked onto Eclipse - the 'adult' vampire stories by Stephanie Meyer (her first book - Twilight - will be out on the big screens soon! 21 NOVEMBER 08!!).

Forgive the thoughts as they can be quite incoherent and disjoint. Paragraphs of this blog might not connect all that properly but who cares hur? haha

I reached my train destination and bringing the umbrella was indeed a smarty thing...because it was raining and people were stranded at the station. It is odd but every time this happens and I've an umbrella, I start to wonder if I were the one stranded, will people be nice enough to shelter me? Whatever it was and as nice as I am(..HAHAHAHA...)I offered my shelter to a lady..of course I chose the prettier one (ok..it sounds perverse but I am just being honest!!)...sweet looking and petite..who was friendly and we striked a short but pleasant conversation when we crossed the road junctions to our offices. She thanked me and I wished her a happy friday and I must say...a pretty good start to our day!

You might think I am crazy but as much as I hate my work..I love it...for my colleagues and friends. It will be a slow day but I am waiting for the end of it..not because it is the end of a work day but rather, time to meet Dearie Pants for gym and dinner!

Awaiting impatiently for tonight and the BBQ tomorrow! CHEERS!

It's Raining Friends

2008-09-03T22:08:00.009+08:00

It's been raining non-stop this evening but bringing away the heat is one thing and raining at odd hours and wierd intervals....seriously can make people sick!! Yet, my goodie frens and I never fail to have a good time taking photos..yes cam whores I am...and with my new blog skin and happier entries...I just need to store them in here and write about them in case this new found blogging interest wears off and it hits a lull. Suddenly I feel I cannot seem to put the thoughts into words when it comes to happy entries. I wonder why. Could it be that I have been penning awful feelings into words? Whatever it is..time for a change hur? After years of tears, heartbreak and near depression, life is short and what more to live it to the fullest and be happy with each moment in time? HA! My philosophy of a contented person.

Anyways..here're the photos I intend to show u....Roger and Rachel and me! YIPPIE!

Cute and huggable friends to help me get through the toughest days at work. Appreciate your love, care, patience and fantastic sense of humor!

Name 'Bloggering'

2008-09-02T16:47:00.004+08:00

From today onwards, this blog will contain many things other than emotions. For one, I have a colleague right now who is bugging me on a blog name for his blog. YES HIS BLOG!!! And I have to wrack the brains to come up with names for this choosey one. It is tough to come up with a name because most of it are already chosen and unavailable. My colleague is still trying to come up with a suitable name...I bet he is gonna sit here till the end of the day and still fail to find a name for his blog!!!! Goodness Gracious! Is it really so difficult? Let me give you some of the names he came up with:

Contributing Prohibiting Fun
Blogspot
H20
Morethanwords
Text
Roje
RonaldoChristiano

And well, the rest are pretty rude and vulgar I must say. Oh oh...and...after finding those that are available, he will make comments that they are stupid and then the cycle repeats itself...try punching in a few names, check availability, find them silly and redo it over and over again.

Finally!!! He has settled on a name!!! Now another vicious cycle starts - the title of the blog!!!
He is telling me he has yet to decide on the blog address and the title of the blog. One tough nut to crack...well, almost literally..haha

It is indeed a 'name bloggering' affair!!

K...time to go..help the damsel in distress...

----To me, a very bimbotic & brainless entry for ma blog---

Something Different

2008-09-01T23:15:00.005+08:00

Ok...I must say this but the skin looks terrific! Thanks dearie pants for uploading it! You are indeed smartie!! Sucha cute doggie sitting up there with the tongue sticking out..hahahaha...

And yes, a different blog from all my past entries....definitely a happy happy one!

WAGGIE TAIL!!!

WOOF

The Psychology of the Mind

2008-09-01T09:47:00.016+08:00

Horror flicks.

What makes a good horror movie? Is it subjective? Is it considered good when each and every image is imprinted in your subconsicous? Tough to understand and difficult to erase once planted in the mind. For me at least.

The love for gore intrigues me. Never understanding why but watching them in the late of the night builds the excitement. It was to the extent that I got bored because of the dozens and tons of uncensored grotesque films I have seen over the years. It stopped after some time. Now, asking me to watch any again can just bring me goosebumps and wild imagination, causing terrible unrest and sleepless nights. Why is this? Why now? Why me?

Insomnia - 'prolonged and usually abnormal inability to obtain adequate sleep' (from http://www.m-w.com/) Could it be because of the recent horror show I watched? Or it was originally stress and the movie just made things worse? I do not know. I want to find out. Sleepless nights have been stressful enough. Closing my eyes see nothing else but the scenes from the movie coming to live; in front of my eyes and disappearing to the back of my head and then repeating over and over again. Is the mind too weak to control the thoughts now? Was it even strong to begin with? Then why the ability to conquer in the past and not now? Could that be the reason why I have not been watching such shows anymore? Why did I even succumb to the peer pressure to go ahead with the show? Too many whys, again.

I prefer light now. I hate the darkness. Staring into the ceiling in the dark of the night drives my mind wild and crazy.

Think happy thoughts now, I tell myself. Think about the funny movies I have watched before, I tell myself. Chant. Look forward. No..stop, don't look back. Stop those freaking ugly faces from the show...get them out get them out!!! Turning the lights on. Suddenly, the area is brighter, less frightening, less imposing. What is coming after me? It's all in the head. It is a psychological battle against me, myself and I. It is as if I have gone back to my childhood days where thrillers, action movies, horror, gore, easily imprint themselves and give me the worst nightmares. I don't want to dream. I want to stop all these. Fear. Acknowledge it, the psychiatrist said. Don't turn them away. The more you run, the harder to escape.

Perhaps I should stop thinking altogether. Make myself busy. Tire the brains out. Relax. Listen to soothing music. Medidate. Do whatever it takes. Calm the mind. Ease the tension. Stop the pain.

All the thoughts rushing back again....

Go away..please...go away...

Tearing through my heart

2008-04-20T11:35:00.005+08:00

I feel so sad I don't know why. I feel so lost I don't know why. Perhaps I can feel your confusion and your pain. Perhaps I am thinking what will become of us. I feel hot streams rolling uncontrollably down my cheeks. What am I going to do when you choice isn't what I expect? Is it your choice anyway? Could there be no other alternative? Now that I am also involved in that decision you soon will make, will it make it harder? Does it make you feel any better that I will support you in anyway? I know how hard it is with obligations. Yet you are not able to do anything about it because money is the issue? Without money, there can be no more studying; you might just need to resort to taking up the work or bum around at home. Perhaps you are now in the dark and cannot find a light to it. I don't know why you kept telling me to talk to you and that we can share about anything. Yet it doesn't seem that way for you. I just want to close all my doors again. I don't know what to do. Where is my support when I keep giving mine? WHERE? WHERE ARE YOU? Can't you see that while you are suffering inside, I am too? Could my parents be right? Relationship can wait. Why should I be serious with you now? Wouldn't it be affecting me? I feel that I am the one that make all your decisions so difficult because whenever you want to do something, I am there to stop you in your tracks and ask what if...
I feel so sad I don't know why.I feel so lost I don't know why..can you be there for me now? Please?

2008-04-02T10:12:00.005+08:00

Is it so difficult to understand how tough it is juggling work and study? Or do I always portray the look of ease, carefree & no worries or stress? I don't understand why I have to be disciplined. Can't they not see it's called choice? I will accept whatever responsibility even if I took the wrong route and I made mistakes. Why can't I fall? Haven't I fallen so many times before? What's the difference now? Why tell me about rules and regulations if the actual reason is all so clear that I just need to stay home more often? Is it so difficult to just let go? Why say that if I were to stay in this house, I need to abide by houserules? Why now? Why compare me with people that are bums? I need space..I need my own air to breathe..I need a holiday. Why use my long deserved holiday against me? Why ask reasons for its length? Why say things like you did? It is tiring enough..work and all..why added pressure? Can't you see I have had enough? Could getting a dog be the wrong decision ever? It was choosing between dog and family...I chose family..and therefore the dog...is it so difficult to see? Why? Why all these? Havent I suffered enough of brainwash? Can't i just lead the life I wanted to? Why be afraid to let me fall yet at the same time saying if I don't fall now I don't learn...let me suffer...let me cry...let me go...I cannot understand anything...I have so many things right now and I don't want it affecting my only focus - my new degree; the one degree I can call my own, my achievement. It is tough making ends meet. No more depression, please...how much of anxiety and saddness can I go through again? Once, twice...enough!!! No more.....please...all these...just go away...take the pain away...the sorrow..the fear..the anguish..the hurt..And suddenly nobody is there..nobody understands..yet then again perhaps I just didn't let anyone understand..I kept everything to myself..what's new anyway? it's just me. I know myself.
..........................................................................................................................................................................
Tears coming in spurts; slowly..i feel ok...I don't feel ok...it all happens immediately and too fast...and too soon. Probably people are around so everything don't come out all at one shot. All I need now is a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps I need to see a shrink again. I don't know what to do. I hate it when I cry suddenly..and then I feel ok then I cry again and tear...i just wanna cry it all out...I don't feel hurt..i feel numbness. I feel indifferent. It is wierd. I need you here..yet I don't. I want to see you. I just want to run away; far away as possible. I don't want you to see me this way. I hate myself. I hate it when it happens. I hate feeling this way. I feel so suffocated. Anxiety pangs..tears of I don't know what...keep rolling down my cheeks. Anger, perhaps. Confusion, perhaps. Lethargy, perhaps. What? Why? Should i control? Stop it I say...stop all these silly thoughts going through your mind.
..........................................................................................................................................................................
The Big L.

Love Changes Everything

2008-02-28T10:44:00.004+08:00

It's been so many months since I last blogged. Not many people view this space anyway. Hahaha..there's been changes..so many to be exact. Sadness all gone by. Love rolled in once more. How sweet it is to have someone like you yet the past lingers on. Memories are all it takes to get by. Remembering them is how we let them go. Simple? Of course not for those who're emotionally driven right now. Relationships fall through so easily just like how they start. Why? we may ask ourselves. When we're in love, we are so happy. The feeling is unfathomable. When we fall out of it, especially after years or sometimes even months, the anguish, the pain and then the misery bring daily darkness. We keep reliving the best times and the worst never fail to keep us occupied. Tears will flow and we don't know what we're crying for. Denial? Suffering? Undying love? Wait? When one party changes, the other seems victimised. But we grow in time. Waiting is always the hardest yet we still wait for that miserably 1% of hope though all odds are against us. Is this how it is in love? We envy those in love. We pity those who fall out of love. Love, hard to understand because it comes with pain and happiness at the same time. Then it might not be love but the perspective of an individual on it. How we see it changes love, how we act upon it changes love, how we experience it changes love. Nothing is perfect. It is how we compliment the little imperfections that makes us whole.

We think, we wonder, we ask, we question and we wait.

Happiness Is...

2007-10-29T19:06:00.001+08:00

i don't wanna lose you,I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And i don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But i don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool i keep losing my place
And i keep seeing you walk through that door
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Now i could never change youI don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes i may have hurt you
But i did not desert you
Maybe i just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where i used to lay
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know its your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Set Me Free

2006-10-17T06:14:00.001+08:00

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I am going through, Tonight
And if my heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you, baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If I am not in love with you

And if I don't need your touch
Why do I miss you so much, Tonight
If it's just infatuation then
Why is my heart aching
To hold you forever
Give a part of me I thought I'd never
Give again to someone I could lose
If I am not in love with you

Why in every fantasy
Do I feel your arms embracing me
Lovers lost in sweet desire
Why in dreams do I surrender
Lying with you baby
Someone help explain this feeling
Someone tell me

If I am not in love with you
What is this I am going through, Tonight
And if my heart is lying then what should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you baby
Why else do I want like I do

If I am not in love with you

Am I true to you, the way I really feel. Have I told you all the regrets that hurt, the mistakes I've made, the wrongs I want to make right. I want to rid how crazy I've become, to have a fresh start, to hold a different perspective, to know how you feel, to create a better world for you and me. Why did it all turn out this way? The mess I've made. Forgive myself for the torture, pain and guilt. The deceit, the lies. I cannot understand the way I feel, the wild imaginations I have, the paranoia all these makes. You've done so much so far. I drove you away. How sad that is for you and me. But things happen for a reason don't they? You needed me. I ran away. I lived in self denial. You ran too! For awhile. To lead a more carefree life. To pull away from the strings of love & hysteria. You understood how much you loved me then. I kept on trying again and trying. I calmed down. You came back. I moved on, though. Was it too late I ask myself now; if only I could've waited a little longer. But like it always is, we live for today. Today affects tomorrow. Tomorrow the day after and then the future. But tomorrow we can never see, let alone the future. So why not be happy for now, the present, the moment? Reliving the past; it keeps catching up with me. Haunting me, hunting me down. I am weak. Seems weaker than before. Where was the strength I'd? I cannot say no. I have no mind of my own or perhaps I simply don't use it. I never dared to make decisions out of the ordinary. I never wanted to try hard enough. Pushing myself too much, expectations drive me crazy. I fear to fail and so I stop in the middle of my tracks and head backwards, back into the comfort areana I have already travelled and know the route, the familiar one that will never go wrong, for now. Never accepting change. Scared to see what happens after that. Anticipation. Expectations. Expecting how I should feel is a terrible thing. When the expected feeling doesn't go as "planned", I feel upset, sickened, not understanding why it should be so since it seemed to me, at first, that I "SHOULD BE" feeling that way, anyway. How did it ever lead to this?

I wonder if you'll run away again. I seem to be tightening everything around you once more. I know that to love someone is to set them free. If they come back to you, it's meant to be. If they don't then perhaps not now, not this life. We are all scared to let go. We get too attached to things. When an attachment is lost, we are lost. We cannot find the direction we could see so clearly when we were free. All, right now, is about me, my stupid selfish me, myself and my sorrowful love, my frustrations and my hurt. I am forgetting that no man is an island and all that comes with it. I imagine living in my own misery, my own regrets, my own guilts, indulging in my own self-pity. Be strong I keep telling myself. There'll always be someone there to help me when I fall, not you, not me, not them but someone. When all hope is bleak, all strength is weak, all light is dim, all road is winding, the earth never stops rotating, the world keeps moving, the light keeps flikering, the wind keeps blowing, dreams keep living, moods keep swinging. Nothing stops to wait for me. Only I choose to let everything else stop because I myself stopped with whatever is holding me back. I choose the path of death. Or I can choose the path of life. The path of light and hope and love.
Set me free................

The Love

2006-09-05T08:13:00.001+08:00

The Courtship - The Get together - The Blossom - The Game - The Neglect - The Hysteria - The Shrink - The Painic Attacks - The Time off - The Begs - The Tears - The Confession - The Issue - The Chance - The Won't Regret - The Change & more - The Revisit - The Hidden Secrets - The Movie - The Ring - The Pouches - The Engravements - The Hurt - The Pain - The Tears - The Explanation - The Thoughts - The Decision - The Meet - The Further Explanation - The Confusion - The Nostalgia - The Past - The Dreams - The Future - The Final Decision

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And I'll never criticize all you've ever meant to my life

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say good-bye

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
I don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but good-bye
You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure I'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say good-bye

It's all Coming Back

2006-09-03T11:56:00.001+08:00

There were many life turning events during those 3 years. No more were the lessons interesting. No more were the days exciting. They were all filled with lies and more lies. They were so full of deceit and uninviting thoughts. Why must it be so I often asked myself? How come my world seemed so bleak and depressing? Each day did not see light. Every step met darkness and more darkness. I reached out and hoped to hold something familiar. Everything was like a dream and waking up did not do any good either. Staring into space didn't make it any better. Wierd thoughts just kept coming. Imaginative and unrealistic ones too! Was I thinking too much? Was I expecting too much? What did I really want? So many questions and too little answers. Or maybe I had the answers but never got about putting them into action. Was it a love hate relationship with myself, my parents and my love life? Could anybody see the pain I was going through? 3 years saw me looking for answers to my wildest thoughts and 3 years later saw me giving up on them. There were too many whys and how come? I cannot explain and never can. Nobody could really understand as well. My parents were expecting too much from me though they never really said it directly. I over analysed the situations. Or was I simply too sensitive? Tears were my faithful companions. Anger was a part of me. I did not see my focus in life. I was lost. I just listened and did what people told me to because I felt they were always right. I made myself be used and regretted it. I also used myself thinking it was for the benefit of both and I regretted it. Death became that part of me that I can never let go. Only did I realise that it never really went away. I just found someone and there, let it go again. I stepped into another relationship without understanding or letting myself get over the previous ones. Again and again I let myself into more entangling masses and got out of it by going into another again. Finally it seemed that I got myself free from it all. And then it all came back to me.